Orange Sky
by singsongsung
Summary: Post s3. NSCB. You can't force yourself to fall out of love.
1. prologue

**A/N:** This story was mapped out weeks ago – the idea actually came about months ago – and I cannot make the finale _fit_ into the timeline. Therefore, I'm just going to ignore it. This start _two weeks _after **3x21**, and canon applies only until that episode, which means that since Blair told Chuck she wouldn't show up at the ESB, she _didn't_. Because Nate and Serena's conversation at the end of the episode was tense, it can be assumed they broke up the next day (their breakup in the finale is actually very close to how I imagine it happening). Dorota has had her baby. Those are the important details and all else should be revealed in good time, but if you have questions, ask and I'll be happy to answer.

At its root, this is an N-JBC story, but focuses will shift. And, on that note: no boys in the prologue, while things are being set up. The title is courtesy or Alexei Murdoch. Reviews are lovely.

**Orange Sky**

_in your love,_

_my salvation lies_

:::

**.prologue.**

:::

In Santorini (in between sleeping with Carter and finding her father and stealing a boat and running from Carter and not really finding her father after all), Serena learned that the Greek people consider it an insult to the gods to think that things cannot possibly get any worse. As a sort of revenge, the gods with guarantee that whatever can go wrong will go wrong.

She's always thought of it as a more poetic version of Murphy's Law, and she's always believed it.

So of course this would happen.

:::

"Blair." Serena pauses, stares at the tiles on the bathroom floor. "Can you come over?"

On the other end of the phone line, Blair sighs. "Where are you?"

Serena sniffs, says wryly, "Your house."

"S…what's wrong?"

Breathing hard, she begs, "Just get here soon. Please."

:::

Blair doesn't arrive home until late in the evening, tired and feeling a little heartbroken despite all her efforts not to. She spent half the day with Cameron but she cannot, for the life of her, remember what they talked about. She knows Serena needs her – the phone call she received earlier was oddly solemn and she knows how much of a complete and utter mess Serena's family life has been lately – but she makes a detour to her own room first, craving a moment to herself just to breathe and possibly change into her silkiest pyjamas.

To her surprise, Serena is in her room; more specifically, sitting on the bed under Blair's blankets and staring at the wall with glassy eyes. Blair's heart pounds with worry. She should have come sooner.

"Serena?"

Serena looks over at her and pats the bed, silently indicating that Blair should come sit.

Stepping out of her shoes, Blair crosses the room and sits on her bed, legs curled beneath her. "You're freaking me out," she notes softly, eyes skimming over Serena's face. "What's wrong?"

Hands buried under the sheets, Serena exhales shakily. She doesn't stall. "I'm pregnant," she confesses quietly in a blank tone that sounds foreign to her own ears.

Blair's jaw drops and then slowly lifts as her mouth forms a small 'o'. "Did you take a test?" she finally manages to ask.

Serena nods.

"Well…" Blair extends her arms, wanting to offer comfort, but Serena's hands are hidden and her shoulders are rigid. "Maybe it's a false positive," she suggests, forcing optimism into her voice.

"Four." Serena's voice cracks. "I took _four_ tests. All positive."

"Oh." Blair licks her lips. "Well…"

Serena shakes her head and shrugs. There's no way to change it now. "I'm pregnant, B."

"Okay," Blair breathes. She wants to tell Serena that she can relate – but her own pregnancy scare never got as far as this. Instead, she settles on running a hand soothingly down Serena's arm. "It's okay," she says, and then winces; that sounds so trite.

And in return, she receives a look so full of doubt that it's heartbreaking.

"You have _options_, S," Blair says firmly. This is a problem, yes, but problems have solutions.

Serena's face crumples and she folds in on herself, elbows in her lap and hands against her face. "I have to tell him," she murmurs, voice thick and muffled; she _knows_ this, she's known it all day, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Blair scoots toward her, a hand against Serena's back. She smiles a little – something about the maturity in that statement makes her vaguely proud. "Yeah, sweetie," she says sympathetically. "You do."

The blonde nods without really moving.

"But not right now," Blair whispers. "You don't have to do anything right now." She glances at the clock. "It's late, we should sleep. Let's just sleep, okay?"

"B…" Serena lifts her head, at a loss for words. Her thoughts are a jumbled mess, but most of all, she's scared.

"Shhh." Blair crawls into bed next to her, fluffs the pillows a little and promises, "You're fine. But you must be tired, lie down."

Serena does as told, settling her head against one of Blair's pillows.

Blair scoots a little closer, ignores the fact that there's still a lamp on and she hasn't changed out of her dress yet.

"We'll be okay," she tells Serena, gently but with conviction.

She means it, but it's a mantra that's gotten harder and harder to believe over the years.

:::

"Miss Serena."

Serena starts at the feeling of a hand on her shoulder, blinks her eyes open dazedly. She'd been so sure she was asleep in Nate's bed that for a moment she honestly has no clue as to where she is.

And then Dorota's face comes into focus. "Miss Blair ask me to wake you."

Sitting up, Serena drags her fingers through her tangled hair and tries to come to terms with her reality. She looks at Dorota, wanting to smile but not entirely able to manage it.

"How's being a mom?" she whispers, hating the way her voice wavers.

Dorota gently tugs the covers from Serena's body and gestures to where she's laid out some of Blair's clothes for Serena to wear. She touches Serena's head briefly, says reassuringly, "Is wonderful."

Blair breezes into the room, holding her phone and dressed for the day; she looks ready to take over all of Manhattan. "Good, you're awake. You've got an appointment in an hour." She meets Serena's eyes. "No use in panicking over something that hasn't been medically confirmed."

Licking her dry lips, Serena agrees wryly, "Yes, that's always been my motto…"

"The sooner we get there, the sooner you know," Blair coaxes, perching on the edge of her bed while Dorota bustles out.

Serena stands, tugs her shirt over her head and slips her arms into the sleeves of one of Blair's blouses. "I know already, Blair," she murmurs as she does up the delicate buttons. "I…I can feel it."

Blair watches Serena's face carefully, sees the honesty mingling with shock. Serena pushes her pyjama pants off her hips and steps into a skirt, fingers shaking as she tugs up the side zipper. Blair sighs. "Let's just go, okay? Unless – do you want to eat first?"

"No," Serena breathes, waving a hand lazily in the air. She looks at her reflection in Blair's mirror, whispers, "I don't look like me."

Blair's throat aches, but she forces a brisk tone as she says, "Your clothes are only a couple rooms away – I don't know why Dorota laid out mine for you."

"She's busy with her baby." Serena's eyes fly to Blair's, and they are both a little taken aback by the heat in her gaze. Serena takes a deep breath, murmurs, "Don't pretend this isn't happening, okay? I can't do that, I can't just write it off. I need to…"

With a nod, Blair stands, relieving Serena of the burden of having to finish her sentence. "Let's get you to the doctor, then."

:::

In the waiting room, Serena's eyes flit around constantly. Her knees are pressed together and her hands are clasped self-consciously over her abdomen; she feels so strange, as if she's watching someone else's life play out.

"You're making me nervous," Blair says lightly.

"Good," Serena says with the briefest of smiles.

Blair presses her lips together. She's never doubted the ability she and Serena have to care for one another, but she's beginning to think she may be in over her head – this happens, sometimes, with Serena: Blair has to swallow her pride and call for back-up.

"Don't you dare panic on me." Serena glances at Blair's cell phone. Without even realizing it, Blair was continually scrolling through her list of contacts and landing on Chuck's name time and time again.

"I'm not. I was just…thinking."

Welcoming the distraction, Serena prods, "How _are_ you and Chuck? I was a little too preoccupied to get the deets from Gossip Girl." She bumps Blair's knee gently with her own.

Blair sighs, glances down and tries in vain to collect her thoughts.

Serena huffs. "Never mind. I don't even want to know."

The brunette rolls her eyes and they both manage to smile a little – and then the receptionist calls Serena's name.

:::

Blair examines the posters of fetal development that cover the walls of the OB/GYN's office critically. Serena, having peed in a cup and had her blood drawn, is sitting at her side, uncharacteristically silent and still.

"I hate waiting," Blair grumbles. She's ninety-five percent sure the clock on the wall is broken.

"I know." Serena tries not to look around too much; her chest feels tight as it is. Blair might be irritated, but it's Serena's life that's about to change. She doesn't mind thinking _maybe not_ for just a moment longer.

Blair wraps an arm around her and Serena gives in to the comforting touch, resting her head against Blair's shoulder and squeezing her eyes shut.

"You're being so brave," Blair whispers.

The doctor comes back in, lab reports in hand. Serena straightens up and holds her breath while Blair stares the woman down.

With a hesitant smile, the doctor says, "Congratulations."

And that's when they dam breaks and Serena begins to cry.

:::

Her cheeks are still damp when Blair leads her out of the building in which the doctor's office is located. The brunette's purse is stuffed with info sheets on everything from stretch marks to adoption agencies.

"It's okay," Blair all but coos, "We'll get through this. I promise."

Serena wipes at her eyes. "Easy for you to say. You're not having your ex-boyfriend's baby."

"Stop that," Blair orders. "What is you is me, remember?"

They hold hands on the cab ride home and Serena manages to stop crying as she looks out the window, watches the city fly by.

:::

"Healthy lunch," Dorota says, a platter of sandwiches in one hand and a baby monitor in the other. The Waldorf-Roses have hired two more maids in order to give Dorota time off, but she's still checking into Blair's – and Serena's, as it is – life constantly.

"Thanks," Serena says faintly. She picks up a sandwich and takes a tiny bite.

"Here." Blair lays a pillow over her lap, pats it once, and Serena gets the hint and rests her head against it, the rest of her body sprawled diagonally across the bed.

She closes her eyes while Blair fidgets around her. When she peeks through her eyelashes, she sees all the pamphlets laid out in front of her, the ones labeled _Adoption_ and _Abortion_ placed in easy view, just in case.

Blair touches her hair, requests, "Tell me what you're thinking."

"I can't be a mom." Serena sighs. "I'm not even nineteen yet."

"People used to have kids when they were fifteen, S."

"Yeah, but not…not people like _me_. I never…it's not like I have a stellar example to follow or anything."

Blair runs her fingers through Serena's hair. "So you make your own example. I'll help you."

"It can't be that easy." Serena chokes on air. "It's…a life. I'm responsible for a life now." Her head spins. "I can't even be responsible for _me_."

"Serena – "

"It's true," she insists, no room for argument.

"You'll learn, sweetie," Blair tells her cautiously.

Serena closes her eyes again but the tears leak out anyway. "I'll make mistakes. I'll fuck this up. I _always_ do."

Blair takes a couple deep breaths as she watches Serena touch the pamphlet with _Adoption_ emblazoned on the front in obnoxious letters. "Have a little faith in yourself, S. You used to take care of Eric – "

"He almost died," Serena interjects brokenly.

"But he _didn't_, and you came back for him and you made sure he knew that you love him and that you're here for him. You've taken care of me," Blair admits, "Sometimes, anyway. And I think you could be wonderful."

Serena bites her lip, pleads tearfully, "Don't lie."

"I'm not." Blair sighs heavily. "It's your choice in the end, Serena, but I wish you'd believe me."

"It isn't though," Serena says slowly. "Is it?"

Blair leans down toward her. "What do you mean?"

Serena sits up, one arm curled around her stomach. "It's not _just_ my choice. I have to tell Nate." When Blair does nothing more but nod in response, she murmurs, "It's his baby."

"He should know, yes," Blair says cautiously.

Very suddenly, they both feel too young for this conversation, but the moment fades. They'll never be too young for it again.

Serena crosses her legs and turns to face Blair straight-on. "Be honest with me," she says solemnly. This is possibly the biggest question she'll ever ask her best friend, her sister.

"Always," Blair vows, just as seriously. She steels herself for _will I be a good mom?_, prepares a mental list of bullet points for a convincing answer.

She is not, however, ready for the question Serena launches at her.

Quietly, shyly, the blonde asks: "Do you think Nate would be a good dad?"

Startled, Blair can only stare at her for a moment, but she collects herself as quickly as she can. "To your baby?" she wonders aloud.

Serena nods, still trying to come to terms to all of the new phrases that are so suddenly a part of her life. _My baby. My baby with Nate. Nate and I made a baby._

Blair smiles, answers simply, "Yes."

:::

"No."

"_B_," Serena whines.

"I will _not_ lure that Basshat out of his suite so you can get Nate alone to talk. There are _lines_, Serena, and that is one I'm not about to cross."

"I'm pregnant!" Serena yells back.

"That's hardly my fault!"

"You said you'd help me. You _just said_ you'd help me."

"Yes!" Blair stomps her foot. "I will hold your hand. I will help you tell your mother. I will take you shopping for maternity clothes. I will buy you Belgian chocolate. I will learn all that labour-breathing stuff. But I will _not_ do this."

Serena starts to cry.

Blair rubs at her forehead, says in a gentler voice, "That's not fair."

"I can't help it," she weeps, sitting down on the couch. "And now I want chocolate," she adds, glaring through her tears.

Eyes narrowed, Blair says, "I'm buying some pregnancy books. I'm pretty sure it's too early for overactive hormones."

Serena wipes her eyes with the sleeve of Blair's blouse. "Tell that to your godchild."

Blair beams. "_Really?_ You think…you'll keep the baby? And you'll make me – "

The blonde shrugs. "Yes. I think…maybe." She's not going to get rid of it, that she knows for sure, and she can't quite imagine giving her child away (can't quite imagine repeating her mother's life) – so there's really only one option left.

Blair melts a little. "_Fine_. I will take care of Chuck for you this _one_ time."

"Thank you, B," Serena says, reaching out for a hug.

Against her shoulder, Blair sighs. "Of course."

:::

They're in the elevator of the Empire when Blair finally realizes.

She whirls on Serena. "You _manipulated_ me?"

Even through her nervousness, Serena manages half an innocent smile as she shrugs. "I really did want chocolate," she says softly.

"And the baby?" Blair's voice is soft, but it's still a demand. "Were you serious about the baby?"

The elevator doors open, accompanied by the muted _ding_, before Serena can answer.

**tbc.**


	2. one

**A/N:** Thank you for your feedback! This is just a quick note that will serve as a disclaimer for the rest of this fic: I am not a doctor. I make no claims to have any medical knowledge. Google has been incredibly helpful in all research that I've done, but it is my only reference, so you'll have to forgive any mistakes I might make.

**.one.**

Chuck is the one to open the door, clad in his signature purple-and-paisley dressing gown. In a gravelly voice, he says his ex-girlfriend's name: "Blair."

Behind him, Serena can see Nate nursing a glass of scotch, looking relatively heartbroken, and in that moment she has just had _enough_ of Chuck and Blair and all their goddamn drama.

She pushes past her brother, and without looking at him, says, "Blair is going to take you out for coffee."

Blair shoots daggers with her eyes, which are trained on Serena's back. "_He_ is taking _me_ out for coffee."

"Whatever. Can you go?" She turns around, looks at Blair and adds more gently, "Please."

"I'm in my pyajams, sis," Chuck drawls as he scrutinizes Serena's face.

"Then _get changed_, Chuck," she grinds out.

Faced with the intensity of her scowl, Chuck admits defeat and retreats to his bedroom to change.

Nate stands up very slowly. "What's going on?"

Silence follows his question, so Blair takes it upon herself to explain: "S needs to talk to you."

He fights to keep the spark of hope he feels from showing on his face. "About what?" He glances at the other girl, implores, "Serena?"

Chuck comes out of his room, then, in gray slacks and red suspenders over his white shirt, his eyes pinned on Blair. "Let's go."

"I do _not_ forgive you and this is _not_ a date," Blair hisses, grabbing onto Chuck's arm and yanking him out the door.

The suite is eerily quiet once they go. Nate clears his throat and looks at Serena. "What's going on?"

"We should sit." Like a coward, she can't look him in the eye.

"Okay…" Nate sits, waits for her to do the same. "What's going on?" he repeats.

She swallows but doesn't say anything.

Nate sighs, tells her softly, "I'm glad you didn't go."

She gasps (she can't hear that, not right now, not like this) and finally forces herself to look at him. Her eyes are wet.

"I'm pregnant," she tells him. She's never been one to mince words.

He blinks. His jaw drops.

"Well, really…_we're_ pregnant." She's shaking and he's quiet, too quiet. "Nate, say something."

"You…_we_…"

"Yeah," she says breathily, watching his face apprehensively.

His eyes fall to her stomach; his mouth has gone dry. "Pregnant. A – a baby."

She nods, presses her lips together, whispers, "A baby."

Nate's gaze lifts to her face again. "You're having my baby?" he wonders.

She takes a sharp breath. "Is that what you want?"

His brow furrowing, he asks, "What else is there?"

"We have…" She fidgets. "You know. Options."

His eyes narrow and then widen. Fiercely, he says, "I don't _want_ options." He makes sure to calm down a little before he asks, "Do _you_?"

Serena shakes her head. "N-no, it's just…we're barely even adults yet, Nate, we…we can't have a baby."

"But we _are_." The desire to touch her is so strong that he was to continually rein it in. "We're having a baby."

A small sob escapes her mouth, seemingly out of the blue. She wipes at her cheeks. He says it like it's so _simple_, so _easy_, but… "I'm scared," she tells him in a tiny voice. There are so many things that she could do wrong.

He decides _screw it_, gets up off the couch and squishes into the chair next to her. "I know you are. This is…" He blows out a breath. "This is a really big deal."

"I can't be someone's mother," she says thickly.

"Of course you can. You…you already are."

She blinks at him through her tears, knows what he's thinking, so she reaches tentatively for his hand and lays it low on her abdomen. "It's too early to feel anything…"

"Okay."

"That's all you have to say? _Okay?_ We have so many things to think about, we're going to be _parents_ – oh my god, your mother is going to _hate_ me – we have to – "

"Exactly," he cuts her off. "_We._ Calm down, okay? I'm going to help you," he promises. "We're going to do this together. We'll figure it all out. All of it."

Serena's deep blue eyes search his face. He wonders, in sort of a stunned way, if their baby will have her eyes. He hopes so.

"When did you go and grow up on me, Archibald?" she whispers.

:::

"I'm not drinking that," Blair says simply, lifting her chin when Chuck sets the cup of coffee down in front of her. She glances at her phone, wonders how much time alone Nate and Serena will need.

He sits across from her, on the other side of their small table, feels the pull of a smirk on his lips. "You've forced me to buy you coffee that you don't intend to drink?"

"The point was not coffee. The point was to give Serena and Nate some privacy."

"And why do they need privacy?" Chuck asks. He leans forward a bit, using intrigue as an excuse.

Blair sets her eyes on his face. "That's their business. It's not my place to tell you."

He leans back. He can smell her perfume – and he misses her, he does. He takes a long drink from his own cup of coffee, trying to prove a point he doesn't quite understand himself.

She is quiet, on the other side of their tiny table. _Serena_, she keeps reminding herself, _I am here because Serena needs me to be._ She is dating Cameron: a nice, polite, athletic Columbia boy. She is over this boy, the one she once swore to stand by no matter what, over him because he tried to sell her body for a hotel. She is not his property and he is not hers; they belong to no one, and certainly not to one another.

"We're just going to sit here until Serena texts you?" he drawls out.

"Yes."

"You won't drink your coffee. You won't talk to me." They are statements, not questions. He still knows her well enough that he doesn't need to ask.

"Coffee was an excuse. And there's nothing to talk about."

"Blair."

"We're through!" She hates that they are discussing this, hates Serena and Nate and their inability to practice safe sex in normal places like _beds_ rather than on every surface in her house and the boys' suite. "You told me we were over if I didn't show up. And I didn't show up." Her lips twist and she checks her phone again. It's barely been three minutes.

"We'll never be through." His voice is low, intimate and meant for her ears only, heavy with truth.

She pretends not to hear it. "Just like we'll never be safe?" she asks, a mocking edge in her voice. "We'll never be _anything_, not ever again."

They are silent and solemn and still.

(She checks her phone once again. Five minutes is long enough to say the words _I'm pregnant_, isn't it? Even long enough to add _it's yours_.)

"Should I be worried?"

Her eyes fly to his face, confusion swimming in them.

"About Serena and Nate," he clarifies.

"No." Blair snaps her phone shut and amends, "At least, I don't think so."

"Tell me what's going on."

"No. It isn't my information to share."

Chuck smiles – it's brief and it's soft, but it's undeniable that it happens. "And when has that ever stopped you before?"

The corner of her mouth twitches upward but she doesn't mirror that smile. She thinks about it for a beat. Finally, she sighs, admits, "Serena's pregnant."

His eyes widen. "With Nate's baby?"

She gives him a _look_, eyes narrowed and eyebrows arched.

Chuck nods, his question answered. "And what does she want to do?" he asks softly, feels the slightest bit of fraternal concern bubble up when he remembers the look in her eyes just before she ordered him into his room to change.

"She wanted to talk to Nate first, but…" Blair smiles a little wistfully. "I think she wants to keep the baby."

"_Really?_"

"Why not?"

"Those two are hardly the brightest, or the most responsible, or – "

"Why does that matter?" she asks quietly. "They love each other. Serena's scared, but I know she loves kids; even if she doubts her ability to be a mother I know that she wants this. And Nate – we both know that Nate would love any part of her."

"Nate's barely nineteen, Serena's eighteen – he doesn't know what he wants yet and I'm not sure that she ever will."

"They're as old as we are, Chuck," she tells him evenly; it jars them both a bit when she says his name. "If you can try to _Affair to Remember_ me, what says that can't they can't play _Bringing Up Baby_?"

Chuck smirks genuinely. "You have no idea what that movie is about, do you?"

"Audrey's not in it," she snaps, "so I'm not obligated to."

But there is a smile, one that ghosts over her lips oh-so-briefly, and she meets his eyes.

:::

Nate is sitting alone in the living room when they arrive back, staring contemplatively at the floor. He glances up when they walk in, offers a quiet, "Hey."

Blair opens her mouth to ask where Serena is, but before the can speak the blonde walks out of the bathroom, pale but calm.

"Hey," she says faintly, her greeting an echo of Nate's.

Blair moves toward her. "Hi, sweetie – are you okay?"

Serena nods, rubbing at her forehead. She is, she's just exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster she's on – the one that doesn't seem to be stopping any time soon. "I'm just really tired," she confesses. Her eyes feel heavy.

"You want to go home?" Blair suggests as she runs her hand up and down Serena's arm, a gesture of comfort.

"Or you could stay," Nate suggests; it sounds abrupt and it makes him fumble over his next words a little: "I mean, you – you can take a nap in my room, if you want."

Her eyes search his face. "Yeah?"

"Of course, yeah." He extends a hand, pressing it to the small of her back for a moment. "Come on."

She glances at Blair over her shoulder. "I'll – "

The brunette waves her away. "Go, go."

Serena follows him to his room, thinks that it's weird that now she feels a bit like an intruder in his space, when only a couple weeks ago she viewed everything that was his as though it belonged to her, too. It makes her feel shaky and off-balance.

Nate pulls his light blue button-down shirt, the one Serena loves to sleep in, out of his closet. He hands it to her, his other hand running gently up and down her back. "I'll wake you for dinner if you're not up by then."

She frowns a little as she takes the shirt, hugs it to her chest. "Nate…this doesn't…it doesn't change anything for us."

He stares back at her incredulously, says softly, "This changes _everything_ for us."

"But not…not the state of our relationship. We're still broken up. We're staying…broken up."

Nate watches her face for a moment, sees how much resolve she's put into those words. Still, he can't help but say, "Serena…"

She squeezes her eyes shut, clinging onto his shirt like a lifeline. "Just – don't, right now, okay? I really just want to sleep, I'm so tired."

He hesitates. He wants to say more, wants to press a kiss into her hair, wants to talk –

But she opens her eyes, then, and her baby blues beg him to leave it all alone.

(And he's never been able to say no to her.)

So he sighs, nods, and tells her, "Sleep well."

"Thanks," Serena whispers as she watches him leave. She sits on the edge of his bed, his shirt still in her arms. His room, his things, they all smell like him, fresh and enticing with a little bit of smokiness mixed in.

He's made it clear that he wants her, that he wants their baby. She loves him a little for that, and she thinks that's allowed; they only broke up two weeks ago and she's carrying a piece of him inside of her.

But that is as far as she's willing to let it go. She will let him – she _needs_ him – to help her through this, for the next almost-eight months to a team effort. They'll do it all together but they're not going to _be_ together.

Nate broke her heart. She's still a little fuzzy on the _how_ and _why_, but the important part is that it happened. He broke her heart, and that means he doesn't get to have it back.

:::

When Nate walks back into the main part of the suite, Chuck and Blair are nowhere to be found. He frowns a little – usually he doesn't let his mind linger on what's going on when the two of them disappear, but he's pretty sure they're barely talking to each other, never mind sleeping together.

Nonetheless, he doesn't put a lot of thought into it, just walks into the kitchen and makes himself some coffee. He needs to do something simple and normal and easy, because everything else about his world just got more complicated.

Chuck appears seemingly out of nowhere, leaning casually against the counter. "I hear you knocked up my sister, Nathaniel," he comments conversationally.

Nate glances over at him. "You hear right."

He straightens up a little, asks, "How are you?"

Sighing, Nate abandons the coffee and runs a hand over his face. "I don't know. I'm kind of freaking out."

"Understandably."

"But…I love her. And she's having my baby, so…" He trails off with a sigh and a shrug.

Chuck frowns a bit. Quietly, he says, "Telling her you want this baby isn't a surefire way of getting her back."

And Nate frowns back, "I know that. Of course I know that. I want this baby because it's our baby."

"Look, Nathaniel, I'm sure you love your unborn child – "

"Yeah," Nate interrupts, a little surprised by the conviction in his own voice. "I do."

In a voice that's careful, making a conscious effort not to offend, Chuck asks, in this painfully casual way that only serves to emphasize how important and _not_ casual his question is: "Are you sure the two of you are ready for this?"

He shrugs. "She's pregnant already. We have to be ready." He nods to himself. "And we will be. We can do this."

Chuck looks him over, as if he's sizing him up, and smirks slightly. "You and Serena as parents," he says contemplatively, testing it out. "That should be…_interesting_."

Nate laughs, relaxing as he shakes his head. "Jeez, man. Try to have a little _less_ confidence in us, why don't you?"

The dark-haired man finishes his drink. "You'll take care of her. Of _them_, both Serena and your baby." It's a question, but Chuck frames it more like an order.

Nate nods once again. "Of course I will." He waits a beat, and then he sighs and admits, "I want her back, man." He glances at his best friend for a long moment; it's an appeal for help.

And Chuck recognizes it. "I'm not entirely clear on why the two of you parted ways."

He half-huffs, half-laughs, but it's a mirthless sound. "That makes two of us."

"Maybe you should figure that out first," Chuck suggests with a small smirk.

"I think…" Nate sighs, presses his palms flat against the countertop. Without looking at Chuck, he muses, "Maybe…I should propose…?"

"Of course not." Blair interrupts their conversation before Chuck can reply. She's exiting Chuck's bedroom, carrying a pile of clothes and an oversized purse stuffed full.

Chuck lifts a single eyebrow, turns away slightly. "Listen to her, Nathaniel. Blair calls the shots in relationships these days."

Blair bristles, but Nate interjects before they can argue, directs his question at Blair: "What are you _doing_?"

"I left quite a few of my things here, I'm taking them home with me. What are _you_ doing, Nate? Do you have any common sense at all?"

"Uh – "

"An engagement ring is not a solution to all of your problems. It's a way to sweep those problems under the rug for as long as they'll stay there. And this is Serena we're talking about – she'll never say yes. She practically has a phobia of marriage at this point."

Nate gapes at her for a moment before he starts to smile a little. "So what do you _suggest_?" he asks her dryly.

Her eyes flit over to Chuck. "I have my own problems to deal with, Nate," she says breezily. "I don't have the time to fix yours."

He rolls his eyes at her, not unkindly, and takes a look at all of her stuff – clothes and jewelry and a couple school books. "Do you want me to call you a car?"

She smiles, glad that he offered before Chuck could suggest that she take the limo. "Yes, please. I'm just going to tell Serena that I'm leaving."

:::

Blair tiptoes into Nate's bedroom, closing the door almost all the way behind her. She's been in Nate's bedroom here a couple times before, for whatever reason, but she feels different about it this time, a little awkward and strangely invasive. Nate's messy, his clothes and his things scattered all over the place, and with the room hushed, the blinds drawn, and Serena under his blankets, it feels like she's walking into something private.

"S?" she whispers, perching carefully on top of the comforter.

Serena rolls over, opens her eyes – she hadn't been sleeping. "Hey, B."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, m'fine."

"And you and Nate?" She reaches out and tucks Serena's hair behind her ear. "The two of you are okay?"

Serena rubs at her eyes. "Yeah, we just have…a lot to think about. And a lot to talk about. A lot to…figure out."

"So what's the verdict?" Blair smiles softly. "Are you gonna make me an aunt?"

"Yeah," Serena says quietly with a half-smile of her own. "I am."

"Oh, S. I think you're making the right choice. I really do."

Sleepily, Serena says, "S'always good to have the Waldorf seal of approval."

Blair laughs. "You're going to have such a beautiful baby," she murmurs, knows it to be true – Nate and Serena combined will result in some sort of wondrous gene pool for bright blue eyes and blonde hair and big smiles.

"You think?" She means for it to be teasing, but it comes out small and uncertain.

"I _know_. Listen, I'm going to go home – "

"Oh." Serena pushes herself into a sitting position. "I should come with you."

"No, stay; sleep. You could use the rest, and like you said: you and Nate have things to talk about."

"Okay. I'll call you?"

Blair nods, prepares to stand, but Serena grabs onto her hand.

"Thank you, Blair," she whispers.

She leans down so that they can air-kiss each other's cheeks. "Of course," she says gently. "You're my sister."

Serena settles back against the pillows. "How was your coffee?"

Blair sighs, quips, "Bitter."

"Metaphorically, or literally? Or – "

"Sleep, okay?" Blair squeezes Serena's hand before she lets go. "I'll tell you about it later."

:::

"Hey…"

Serena wakes to the sound of a soft voice, to the feel of a hand on her shoulder, and then in her hair.

And Nate watches her come awake, watches the way she scrunches up her nose and shifts a little, his shirt moving against her skin, before she finally blinks open her eyes.

"Hey," he says again, hovering awkwardly by the side of his bed. "Sorry to wake you. We got takeout and I thought you'd want to eat before it got cold."

"Yeah." She clears her throat as she sits up. "Thanks."

"You need anything? Are you feeling okay?"

Her lips curl into a small smile. "Are you going to be like this the whole time?"

Nate shrugs a little bashfully. "Sorry. It's not like I've ever done this before."

"No, I didn't mean…I'm sorry. You were being nice."

He frowns. It's weird, the way she says that, like they haven't known each other forever and haven't been together for the past few months. This isn't how he wants things to go. "Listen, I know you feel overwhelmed right now – and so do I – but…I want to talk. About us."

She sighs, curls in on herself a little. It's not fair of him to do this right now. "Having a baby is not supposed to be the foundation of a relationship."

"Until two weeks ago we were _already_ in a relationship – "

She cuts him off, "But we broke up. We're broken up."

"Serena – "

Before he can say more she turns her face toward him, and he realizes with a start that she's on the verge of tears. It's not really fair, because he thinks they _need_ to talk about this, but he blows out a shaky breath and lets it go. He's never been able to stand seeing her cry. "Okay, just…come eat. Feel free to borrow anything you want, something comfy to wear…"

"Thank you," she says on an exhale, letting out the breath she's been holding in.

Nate rubs the back of his neck, mutters, "Guess I'll let you change," and like they're strangers or something, he leaves the room and closes the door, giving her privacy to change her clothes.

:::

"Join us, sis," Chuck calls from the table. Having Serena around has been totally commonplace since their parents got married once upon a time, and having her in the suite, wandering around in Nate's clothes like she lives there, is nothing new to him either.

Nate pulls out a chair for her and Chuck looks her over as she sits down. She looks the same – blonde hair in a messy knot and Nate's sweatpants sitting low on her hips. But she's a little too quiet, her face closed off in a way he's rarely seen it.

"Pizza?" he offers. "Nathaniel got you a salad, too."

She glances up, eyes settling on Nate. Her ex-boyfriend shrugs, says simply, "Healthy."

Underneath the table, she lets her knee touch his.

He smiles at her, opens the container. "You've got lettuce, mushrooms, tomatoes…"

"All totally healthy," she agrees, holding out her plate so that he can serve her.

It's not until ten minutes into the meal that Chuck realizes the comfortable silence they're sitting in actually isn't all that comfortable. He's eating his pizza has he always does, with a fork and a knife like a normal, civilized person. It's something Serena has been giving him hell for since they were about ten years old: time and time again, she insists, _Chuck, you're so weird, pizza is finger food. It's designed that way_. But today she is quiet, staring listlessly as her meal, poking lazily at a piece of lettuce with her fork.

He catches Nate's eye, makes a signal with his eyes and then with his hands, trying to ask if he should leave the two of them alone.

Nate shakes his head, scoots his chair a little closer to Serena's and rests his hand against her back.

She lifts her head, meets his gaze, and their eye contact is so charged for a moment that she finds herself holding her breath.

"It's gonna be okay," he tells her softly, his hand moving in slow, soothing circles.

"But how do you _know_ that?" she demands, her voice just as soft.

"Because I do. I just do. I know…I know _us_. We're gonna be okay." He looks at her for a moment and she stares back, her eyes dark and wet and pleading, and then he taps his fingers lightly against her spine, gives her the very best coaxing smile he can muster up. "But we're not gonna be okay if you stop eating…that won't be good …"

Serena breathes a laugh. "No, probably not."

"So, step one to figuring out the rest of our lives is you eating your dinner." He nods at her plate. "It's all you."

She spears a tomato with her fork. "What's step two?"

Nate shrugs, takes his hand off her back. "I'll tell you when you're done."

**tbc.**


	3. two

**A/N:** Thank you for your reviews. :)

**.two.**

"Nate…_Na-ate_…"

He jolts awake when Serena's fingers tug lightly at his earlobe, opens his eyes and sits up to see her curled up at the other end of the couch, sitting partially _on_ his feet and still in a pair of his sweatpants, her hair loose and messy around her shoulders.

"What time is it?" he mutters blearily.

"Afternoon, sleepyhead," she tells him softly, watching the way he runs his hand through his hair, which only serves to make his bedhead even worse. "Here," she says, holding out the cup of coffee in her hands.

"Thanks." He takes a sip and looks over at her. He knows they're not going to share, because that definitely breaks the rules of being broken up, but he also knows that Serena likes to have her caffeine in the morning. "You don't want any?"

She shrugs, cuddles into the sweater of his that she's wearing. "Can't."

"Right." He blinks. "We'll get some decaf. I'll tell…" He doesn't know exactly who to tell. "I'll tell Chuck to tell whoever buys our groceries."

"Thanks," she says softly.

"Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah." She bites her lip. "Did you? Were you comfortable?" It'd been his idea to sleep on the couch and she hadn't argued with him over it.

"Yeah, don't worry about me." He gulps down another mouthful of coffee. "We have a lot to think about, huh?"

Serena nods, confesses, "I don't even know where to start."

He clears his throat, rubs at his eyes. "When are you due? Exactly?"

"December thirty-first."

Nate smiles. "New Year's baby."

"Maybe," she says, matching his smile with one of her own.

"You have a doctor?"

"Yeah, I…I went yesterday. Blair made me an appointment. She's pretty nice, and knowing B…"

"She's the best," Nate fills in, nodding. "Good. Do you know, uh, what happens with appointments and stuff? How often do you have to see her?"

"She told me, but I – " _was too busy crying._ She sighs. "She gave me a bunch of info on paper; it's all at B's."

"Anything we need to worry about right now?"

Serena shakes her head. "Not right this minute. She said that…I'm young, I'm healthy, my family medical history is pretty good…and as far as I know yours is, too, right? Everything should be fine."

"Good." He reaches across the couch and touches her hair hesitantly. "Fine is good."

"Yeah." She shrinks away from his touch but her smile doesn't waver. "It is."

"You can…you can stay here, you know. With me and Chuck. You should move in."

"Nate, no, you can't – you can't sleep on the couch for the next few months, that's not fair. I can stay with Blair. They've got lots of room, plus Eleanor and Cyrus are going back to Paris pretty soon, and…" She flounders for a second before she says authoritatively, "This break up with Chuck has been hard on her. I think we both kind of need each other right now."

He sighs, says a little petulantly, "I'll miss stuff," even though what he means is _I'll miss you_.

"You won't." Her voice is packed with conviction. "I'm really happy that you…you want this, and you're being great, you really are. I'm going to keep you updated, I promise." A hand pressed against her stomach, she says, "This baby is as much yours as it is mine. I'll let you know everything, I really will. You'll be begging me to stop telling you details."

He meets her eyes and holds her gaze. "No, I won't," he tells her quietly.

"_Good_," she mouths, too soft to even be a whisper. She can't find her voice.

He aches for her, then, sitting so close – sitting _on_ him and _in_ his clothes – and he sits up even straighter and reaches out toward her. "Serena," he says. Just her name and nothing more, he knows how easily she spooks.

She unfolds her limbs, perches on the arm of the couch instead of partially on top of him. "We don't have to tell anyone yet," she murmurs, a completely different subject than the one they both know he really wanted to discuss. "We've got some time."

"Alright…"

"We'll just keep it between the four of us. You and I and Blair and Chuck – we'll keep this safe, for now."

He watches her face carefully. "You're going to have to tell your mom sometime, S."

She forces a laugh. "It's not her that I'm worried about – it's the tabloids. Not to mention Gossip Girl."

"Screw Gossip Girl. And Chuck will take care of the tabloids." He doesn't say it, but it lingers between them: _only you can handle Lily_.

She blinks, eyes focused on the ceiling. "This is just one more thing for her to add to the list of the ways I've disappointed her."

"She's your mom, Serena," he reminds her, gripping his mug tightly with both hands. "She loves you."

"Yeah, but…but she hates my mistakes. And I – " She gasps a little, determined not to cry. "I'm pretty sure those make up the biggest part of who I am at the point."

There is a heavy ache in his chest. "This isn't a mistake."

She blinks rapidly, trying to stop the stinging in her eyes. "Nate," she says raggedly, "I'm going to love our baby, and I'm going to try _so_ hard to do all of this right; I really, really am, but…I'm not going to lie to everyone. It's not like we planned for this to happen."

"I know." He's considered it before, fatherhood, but always in a very dim, far-off kind of way. "But just because it's unexpected that doesn't make it a disaster. Our kid is not a disaster."

Serena swallows hard. "So then what is it?"

"It's…" He grapples for words; they've never been his strong suit. "It's like…a present."

"A present?" she asks dubiously.

"Yeah. It's like…a surprise birthday present. Kinda belated," he admits with the ghost of a grin. "But still, it's like…a present that you're giving me."

She gapes at him, says tightly, "I'm _trapping_ you when you're not even done college yet and you're calling it a _present_?"

He gapes back at her for a moment. "You're not _trapping_ me."

"I am!" she insists, and she's crying now, not making any attempt to wipe away the tears rolling down her cheeks. "You told me…you told me you weren't going to wait around for me. You told me to decide if I was in or out and I said I was out, but now…now I'm pulling you back in and it's not _fair_."

Nate stands up slowly, tugs her off of the arm of the couch and into his arms – she resists the hug, but only for a second, and then she presses her face against his chest, listens to his heartbeat. He holds her for a moment, feeling her breathe, before he says, "I'm pretty sure it takes two people to make a baby, Serena. This isn't your _fault_, this isn't a _bad_ thing. You're giving me a baby, you know?" He rubs her back. "That's pretty amazing."

She pulls out of his arms, wiping at her cheeks. Her smile is brief and watery, but it's there. "Most people would say miracle, you know. A present, really? That's what you came up with?"

He grins at her teasing, knows it's meant to lighten the mood – and he lets it happen, because she clearly needs it. "We're not most people."

"No, I guess we're not."

"And you didn't pull me back in." He tucks her hair out of her face and lets his hand linger against her cheek. "I know you were out, and that you're still out, but…I was always in." He looks into her eyes, admits, "I'm always going to be in."

She ducks her head but says nothing to address his confession, simply leans into him again and sighs when his arms wrap around her waist.

"What're you thinking?" he murmurs into her hair.

"Can we just wait? To tell people?" she whispers, voice muffled against his shirt. "Please."

Nate sighs but he doesn't deny her (never has). "Yeah, okay. We'll wait."

:::

"Chuck," Blair sighs as she walks down the staircase. She takes her sweet time, lets her hand linger over the banister, and does not bother to tie her robe closed over her nightgown. (He can look, she figures, at what he's missing out on – and what's more, he can regret it.) "What are you doing here at this hour?" She wrinkles her nose, heaves another sigh, "…and with peonies."

"I wanted to talk," he says, gesturing broadly with the bouquet.

She stays on her stairs, where she has the higher ground and there is distance between them. "You told me if I didn't show up at the Empire State Building that we were done forever. I didn't show up." She glances away from him, stares at a spot on the floor near his feet. "So?" she prompts, uses the same tone she often directs at her minions.

"I still love you, Blair," he says quietly, pours truth into those words. She looks ridiculously beautiful, even as she studiously avoids eye contact.

Her hands clench around the banister. "I'm not sure that you know what that means anymore."

His eyes widen and then narrow. "I suppose that's fair," he grants. "I'll do everything in my power to make this up to you – "

"By _this_ I assume you're referring to the incident in which you sold me to your uncle like I was a meaningless piece of property?"

Chuck smirks at her but there's no mirth behind it and it's a bit unsteady on his lips. "I wouldn't use those exact words."

She scoffs. "I cannot _believe_ you had the nerve to show up here with _peonies_."

"They're your favourite."

"I like roses now."

"You could never be that predictable."

"That's not the point, Bass! None of that is the point. You shouldn't be standing in my foyer like flowers as though that fixes everything."

"I know it doesn't." He stays quiet for a beat, watches her.

"Do you want _hints_? Do you need _clues_ as to what will earn you my forgiveness?"

"I'll take them if you're offering."

Her anger dissipates and she deflates a bit. "I'm not. I don't have anything to offer, and as far as I'm concerned, neither do you. You should leave. I have a date in an hour."

"Blair – " Her name leaves his lips much too desperately, so he swallows down the rest of his sentence.

She levels him with a careless gaze, says softly, "I'm trying to move on. You should, too."

"But don't you think – " He realizes he's about to sound even more desperate and possibly a little (or completely) ridiculous, but he says it anyway. "Don't you think…this is some kind of sign for us?"

"This?" she asks, demanding clarification even though she knows what he means.

Chuck sighs. "Nate, Serena, their baby – it's drawn us all together again."

"No," she corrects him. "It's drawn Serena and Nate together again. If it's a sign for anyone, it's a sign for them."

It's his turn to scoff. "A sign that they should invest in birth control."

She turns her head, lets her hair fall in a curtain across her face to hide her brief smile. When she faces Chuck again all signs of humour are gone, and she says quietly, "They love each other. They're meant to be together. They _should_ take it as a sign. But it's not a sign for us. There _is_ no us, Chuck."

He opens his mouth to speak but she shakes her head. "I have to get ready. Leave. Please."

Slowly, at a speed they both know is meant to torture her, he turns away and steps into the elevator, but not before placing the peonies on the table in her foyer.

Blair sighs. "Chuck Bass, do _not_ leave those here – "

Before he can leave or she can finish her threat, Serena steps off of the elevator and runs directly into Chuck, so quickly that her feet – she's only wearing a pair of Nate's socks, since she didn't feel like putting her heels back on for the cab ride home – slip on the polished tile and she ends up on the ground, landing on her butt.

Chuck has his hands on her – one on her back, the other cupping her elbow – before she can even process what just happened.

"S, are you alright?" Blair runs down the last of the steps.

"I'm fine," she says, batting Chuck's hands away.

He looks at her with more alarm than she was prepared to see in his gaze. "You're sure?"

"I fell like a _foot_, you guys," she grumbles. "It's not a big deal." With a pout, she reaches out to Chuck even though she waved him off a moment before.

He helps her to her feet without a word.

"You have to be _careful_," Blair lectures, giving Serena a scrutinizing once-over. "Nothing hurts?"

"I'm fine," she sighs. "Seriously." Her tailbone hurts a tiny bit, but that's hardly cause to rush to the emergency room.

"You didn't have to come here, you know," Chuck informs her. "I could've sent someone to pick up your things."

Blair's eyes fly to his face. "Pick up her things?"

"Yes." He stares at her, not understanding the glare she's currently shooting at him.

"Chuck," Serena interjects, her voice quiet. "I'm not moving in with you and Nate."

Blair glances at her, almost scandalized. "Of course you're not!"

Serena throws her a mildly exasperated smile. "Yeah, B. I just said that."

"Why not?" Chuck asks.

"Because she's living with me."

Serena rolls her eyes, but agrees, "I'm staying here with Blair."

"And Nathaniel's fine with that?"

"It makes more sense this way. You two don't have enough room. Nate can't sleep on a couch for months on end."

Chuck smirks at her, lets his gaze travel down her body. "I _was_ surprised to see that he hadn't slipped into the bedroom by morning."

Serena's not amused. "We're broken up, Chuck."

He arches his eyebrows. "I seem to be hearing that a lot this morning."

Blair slaps his arm. "Why would you think – "

His gaze stays on Serena. "I can order more furniture, you realize."

"She realizes and she doesn't care! She's staying with me."

"B!"

"Well, you _are_," Blair points out, a hint of something dangerous in her tone. "Aren't you?"

Chuck speaks before Serena can. "You don't think she should be living with the father of her baby?"

"They're broken up. And I'm her best friend."

"She's carrying Nate's _child_."

"I'm not sure what, exactly, you think that should mean for her living situation, but whatever it is you're clearly wrong, and – "

"And I'm her brother."

Blair scowls. "Do _not_ play that card. If _you_ qualify as her brother, then I – "

"You guys!" Serena throws her hands into the air. "This isn't for either of you to decide. Stop fighting over it and find a better way to deal with your sexual tension."

Blair wraps an arm around Serena's shoulders. "We're not fighting." She pauses, then adds at a lower volume, "But if we were, I'd win, right?"

Serena rolls her eyes and glances at Chuck. "I'm staying here. Nate knows already; he's fine with it. Thank you, though," she says a little more shyly, "For offering."

"Anytime, sis."

"Go." Blair elbows Chuck aside as she leads Serena toward the stairs. "And take your flowers with you."

"The flowers were a gift."

"Oh, you've given up human trafficking and moved on to floral arrangements?"

"I have a headache," Serena lies, her voice cutting into their argument abruptly. She adds in a coaxing tone, "What do you have that I can take for a headache, B?"

Blair throws Chuck own last dirty looks. "Flowers. _Take them_," she says very firmly, even though she knows as well as he does that he'll do no such thing.

:::

"I know you still love him."

Blair smirks sadly at her jewelry collection, reaches out and chooses a pair of earrings. "Thank you for the insight."

"B."

She meets Serena's eyes in the mirror. The blonde is sitting on her bed, elbows propped on a pillow thrown over her lap, still in Nate's clothes. "You can't just force yourself to fall out of a love with someone, S. You know that."

"Do you want to fall out of love with him? Really?"

"After what he did?" She smiles prettily at her reflection to determine how she'll look when Cameron sees her, and then lets her face relax. "Yes."

"Ice, ice, baby," Serena comments quietly.

Blair turns around. "He tried to sell me for a hotel."

"I know." It had taken some pressure, but she'd finally gotten it out of Blair halfway through her own Nate-related pity party. "You deserve to be mad, you definitely do. I just…I don't understand why you're leading Cameron on."

"Maybe he's the one," Blair sighs.

Serena laughs. She can't help it. "Sorry," she says immediately. "It's just…you and Chuck were so _intense_, you know? You still are."

"I really did love him," Blair agrees, her eyes far away.

Cautiously, Serena asks, "And what's going to compare to that, B?"

She sighs and shrugs. "I don't know, but…there has to be something. I can't let it hurt like this over and over again if it's not worth it."

"And it's not? You know that for sure?"

The answer is _no_. Blair doesn't want to say that but she also doesn't want to lie. "Well, now I'm trapped," she says with the hint of a smile. "You were my backup plan and now you're having some guy's baby."

Serena laughs lightly. "Sorry."

"You should be," Blair teases. "You're breaking my heart." She turns around once more, faces the mirror again. She waits a moment and then adds, "Not to mention Nate's."

"What?"

"Don't play coy with me, Serena," Blair says disdainfully, smoothing out her dress. "You know he's in love with you and he's in no hurry to let that go." When she glances at Serena in the mirror, she sees the blonde's head bowed. Quietly, she asks, "Can you honestly say you're not still in love with him, too?"

Serena looks up, cheeks flushed. "He called the police on my father."

"Honey, your father was procuring drugs your mother didn't _need_, and he was doing it illegally. We were all just trying to protect you." She quirks her eyebrows. "Be thankful he didn't buy you a dress and send you into Tripp's waiting arms."

Serena rolls her eyes at that – but something about it stings; makes her think of how everything with Nate was so much different, so much better, than it ever could have been with his cousin. "I really…I really wanted to think things had changed."

"I know," Blair says gently. "But they hadn't and you couldn't see that. Nate didn't want you to get hurt."

"Someone was supposed to be in my corner." Serena hugs the pillow to her chest. She'd just wanted _one_ person to believe in her father like she did, _one_ person not to be so quick to incriminate him. "Maybe…maybe if he was still just my friend, he would've been."

"Oh, _Serena_." Blair turns away from the mirror and gives Serena every shred of her attention. "You don't honestly believe that."

"You know what's funny?" she asks in a tone that is completely and utterly devoid of humour.

Blair walks over to sit by her. "What?"

"I kept thinking…that after my dad came back, everything would be fixed. I thought if I could just find him and if we could explain it all to me…I thought _I'd_ be fixed. I thought I'd change, like I'd been trying to change for so long. I thought I'd grow up, thought I'd be done with the drugs and the dancing and the boys and the parties. Now…now I have to be done. I have to grow up and I have to give it all up. And I think…" She takes a deep breath. "I think maybe that's why my mom gave up that baby – Scott. Because without…without all of that, without all those things I've always done…I really don't know who I am. And I was…was _stupid_ enough to think that my father would be the one who would tell me."

"You're still you," Blair whispers. "You're still Serena van der Woodsen, even if that doesn't mean you're a socialite party girl anymore. You're still my sister. There is still a boy on the Upper West Side who is hopelessly in love with you. Maybe…being a mom will help you figure it out more than being a daughter has."

Serena swallows around the lump in her throat. "You really think I can do this?" she asks, and her voice sounds vulnerable to her own ears. "I'm like the poster child for daddy issues."

"You're going to be fantastic. And if you ask Nate I'm sure he'll say the same thing." She pauses. "But in…Nate-terms."

With a grateful smile, Serena says, "You look beautiful. Poor Cameron won't know what hit him."

"Stop," Blair says, and elbows her in the ribs before she wraps her up in a hug. "I have to go," she says as they pull back. "He'll be here any minute."

"Have fun." Serena waggles her eyebrows teasingly as Blair gets up to leave. "And be home by curfew, young lady."

"I'll see what I can do," Blair promises coyly, and she plants a kiss on Serena's cheek before she leaves the room.

Serena sits alone after Blair's gone, her last words echoing around her. She's never really imagined herself saying them seriously, but she guesses one day that she'll have to.

:::

"Hey, E," Serena greets, holding her cell phone to her ear with one hand while she uses the other to grab the remote control and but the movie she's watching on pause. "What's up?"

"Nothing, really," her brother answers. "Uh…where are you?"

"Blair's house," she answers, confused. It should be obvious.

"Did I not get the memo that you'd moved again? I thought you were just crashing there for a few days so you guys could wallow together."

"We weren't wallowing," Serena protests, avoiding his first question. She didn't really plan to move out again, it just sort of happened – and she hadn't told her family. "So, are you calling just to talk to your favourite sister? I mean, you do like me better than Jenny, right?" she teases.

"I don't know, S. You used to dress me up in your old clothes."

"No way do you remember that."

"No," he admits. "But I do have pictures to prove it."

"I should have burned those when I had the chance."

Eric laughs. "So, listen. Mom wanted me to call."

She bites her lip nervously. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, she wants you here for mandatory family dinner in a couple days."

Serena grimaces. "Is she getting divorced?" she asks wryly, and it's only half a joke.

"No, she and Rufus are going ballistic over Jenny. I guess they want to talk to all of us or something. I don't know, I didn't really get the details, but your presence is required."

"More like demanded," she sighs. "Well, tell her I'll be there, I guess."

"I'm gonna leave the _I guess_ part out in the interest of my sanity. You can tell that to her yourself if you want."

She laughs. "I'll be there, I promise."

"Good."

There's a lull in the conversation, then, and for a split second she considers telling her brother.

"Serena?"

She chickens out. "Yeah, sorry. I'll see you then, E." She pauses and then prompts, "Tell your favourite sister how much you love her."

Even over the phone, she knows he's rolling his eyes. "My favourite sister is crazy."

Serena smiles to herself. "Well, as long as she's your favoutie. I'll see you soon, Eric." She holds the phone close to her mouth and makes a kissy sound before she flips it closed and tosses it aside.

:::

Halfway through the movie Cameron's taken her to, Blair gets a text from Serena. She sighs, throws him a sweet smile, and texts back, _you can't possibly be bored already_.

_how's the movie?_

_great_, she replies, even though she doesn't even know the plot.

_how's the boy?_

Blair sighs. She waits an extra moment to reply.

_oh._

She scowls, types back, _he's great, too_, even though she knows it's too late to erase what her best friend already knows.

**tbc.**


	4. three

**A/N:** Thank you for your feedback. Once again, just a reminder that this fic picks up after **3x21**, not the finale.

**.three.**

Blair wakes up shortly after five o'clock in the morning to the unpleasant sound of retching. She grimaces, tugging off her eye mask, and tries to orientate herself. She's exhausted – she and Serena watched movies late into the night and passed out next to each other in her bed only four hours ago.

She glances over to the other side of the bed, notices the empty space and the sheets thrown back, and blinks.

When she pads into her bathroom in her slippers only a moment later, she finds Serena sitting on the floor by the toilet, her head tipped back so that it rests against the wall and her eyes closed.

"Hey," she murmurs sympathetically, her voice still hoarse from sleep. "How long have you been awake?"

Serena squints at Blair and then shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut again for a moment before she scrambles to her knees and leans over the toilet as she vomits.

Blair kneels next to her, gathers Serena's hair away from her face carefully. She reaches over Serena to flush the toilet when she's done, repeats, "How long have you been awake?"

The blonde shrugs tiredly, reaching out and grabbing a tissue to wipe her mouth. "I don't know. A little while."

Blair lets go of her hair, runs her fingers through the blonde locks soothingly. "Morning sickness, huh?"

Serena nods, slumping back onto the floor again. She feels like _shit_, has felt that way for the past half hour at least and there's no sign of it letting up anytime soon.

"Can I do anything for you?" Blair sits back on her heels.

"No, I don't think so. You should just…go back to sleep."

Blair shakes her head, smiling lightly. She yawns. "I'm going to go get you a glass of water, okay? Then I'll come back to sit with you."

Serena closes her eyes. "B, really, you don't have to…"

"I _know_ I don't have to. But I will. Stay here," she says, pushing herself to her feet. "I'll be right back."

Serena rubs her eyes, gives Blair a bleary smile. "I'm not going anywhere."

:::

"Hey."

Serena blinks, looking up at Nate, who's standing in the doorway of Blair's bathroom. "What're you doing here?"

"Blair called me." He steps inside and sits down next to her, smiling. "She said you'd been in here for a while."

"I fell asleep at one point," she says wryly, pointing out the imprint of the bathroom tile that's still evident on her cheek.

He brushes her hair back from her face, traces the mark as an excuse to touch her. "You're not feeling so great," he says – a comment, not a question.

"It's normal, it's nothing to worry about." She blows out her breath. "I just thought morning sickness would end when the morning did."

"Do you think you want to eat something?" He holds up the plastic bag he brought in with him. "I got you crackers and water and ginger ale. Any of those sound appealing right now?"

She makes a face, swallows down her nausea. "Just water."

Nate twists the cap off the bottle before he hands it to her. "It'll get better, right? I mean…this won't last the whole time."

"I hope not." She sips. "We should buy books. There are books, right?"

He smiles, nudges her a little so that he can wrap an arm loosely around her shoulders. "I'm sure there are books."

"Okay." She rests her head against his shoulder and sighs. "We should buy them," she repeats tiredly.

"We'll buy _all_ of them," he promises, taking the bottle of water from her hands as he watches her eyes close.

"Where did B go?" she murmurs. She'd kicked Blair out over an hour ago, told her that she had much better things to do with her day than to sit around on the floor.

"She had a date."

"With Cameron?"

"Yeah, I guess. Probably." He tilts his head to get a better look at her face; her eyes are shut and her lips are parted the slightest bit. "Sleepy?" he asks her softly.

"Mm." She sighs, snuggling into him a little.

"I'm going to carry you to bed, okay? You probably don't want to fall asleep on this floor again."

"You don't have to carry me," Serena says. That's such a _boyfriend-y_ thing to do, and he's not her boyfriend anymore, but at the same time, she can't quite force herself to open her eyes and get up.

Nate laughs. "I know I don't _have_ to, S. But I'm going to."

It's a bit of a struggle, to stand up and to get her in his arms at the same time, but it gets easier when Serena gives in and wraps her arms around his neck, allowing him to scoop her up. He carries her out of the bathroom and lays her down in Blair's bed, lifting up the blankets and carefully tucking her in.

He leans down toward her. "This okay?"

She nods, blinks her eyes open. "Thanks, Natie," she whispers.

The old childhood nickname pulls at something in his chest. "Of course," he whispers back, and presses a kiss to her forehead before he can think twice about it.

:::

"Nathaniel."

Nate smiles as he steps out of the elevator. "Charles," he replies with a touch of sarcasm.

"How's Serena?"

"She's okay. Blair just thought someone should be with her – apparently morning sickness doesn't actually stop in the afternoon."

"Morning sickness?" Chuck sets his newspaper aside. "So she's…really pregnant."

Nate toes off his sneakers, shoots his best friend a baffled look. "What, did you think she was lying before?"

"Of course not." He scrutinizes Nate's face, looks for the tell-tale signs of panic. "I just thought that might have been a jolt of reality for you. But you seem…fine."

"Well, _yeah_. I'm not the one who spent the past five hours puking."

Chuck grimaces. "I didn't need that mental picture."

Nate laughs, flopping down onto the couch and reaching for one of his Xbox controllers. "C'mon, like you've never seen Serena toss her cookies before."

"_Toss her cookies?_"

With a roll of his eyes, Nate shoves another controller into Chuck's hands. "Will you shut up so I can kick your ass?" he teases.

Sighing, Chuck obliges him, punching all the necessary buttons on his controller so that they can continue their last game. "Did she talk to you about tonight?"

"Serena?"

"Yes, Serena."

"No." Nate glances away from the television. "What's tonight?"

"Lily called yesterday evening and requested my presence at a van der Woodsen – Humphrey family dinner. She didn't say so, but I got the impression that attendance is mandatory, which means Serena will be going."

"Oh." He's not sure what his reaction is supposed to be to that revelation. "Uh…that's cool."

"My dear sister didn't mention it to you? Didn't invite you to come along?"

"Why would she?" Nate grumbles, trying not to sound like he's pouting (which he is, a bit). "We're _broken up_."

Chuck scowls at Nate for a moment – he is so sick of those words coming from everyone's mouths lately, they give him flashbacks of Blair's hardened eyes and the way she'd pulled her hand from his and _the worst thing you've ever done_.

The blonde boy scowls back, confused. "Can we just play the damn game?"

"You're coming," Chuck says brusquely, as if Nate had never spoken.

"Excuse me?"

"You're coming – to dinner," he clarifies. "You'll be my guest."

Nate blinks. "I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to bring guests to mandatory family dinners."

"Nathaniel, _I_ am practically a guest at this dinner. I'm not related to any of them. If I want to bring a guest, I can, and I will."

He throws his controller aside, the game forgotten. "Why would you bring me?" he asks quietly. "What does it get you?"

"It doesn't get me anything. Some company, I suppose. And it gives you the chance to see your ex-girlfriend."

"She won't want me there."

Chuck's gaze cuts over to him. "Let her be the judge of that." He nods toward Nate's controller, waits for him to pick it up again.

Nate gives him a measured look before he smiles a bit, picks up his controller and nods. "Yeah, okay. I'll come with you. Thanks." He pauses, smirks. "And you're welcome."

Chuck laughs.

And ten minutes into the game, he asks casually, "How was Blair?"

Nate swerves his car around a sharp turn enthusiastically. "She had a date." He straightens out his car and takes off again, looks at Chuck in his peripheral vision. "But you knew that."

:::

Blair enters her room dramatically, kicking off her pumps and flopping face-down onto her bed; the movement jostles the mattress enough to wake Serena.

She rolls over to look at Blair, reaches out to touch the other girl's hair. "What's wrong?"

"I can't do this anymore," Blair confesses, her voice muffled.

Serena props herself up on an elbow and licks her dry lips. "Can't do what?"

Blair turns her face so that they can look at one another. "Date Cameron."

Serena bites back her laughter.

"Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm doing something predictable," she huffs. "He's very nice."

"Seems like it," Serena agrees with a nod.

"But…but all he talks about is _rugby_ and he owns the same cardigan in about _twelve_ different colours and…and it's like dating the absolute _worst_ parts of Nate and Humphrey at the _same time_."

Serena can't help but laugh this time. "Let me get this straight: you're dating a guy who's a combination of two of my ex-boyfriends, and he's making you miserable?"

"Don't use that voice." Blair sits up. "I'm not being mean. They're your _exes_."

"Both of whom I loved very much at one time and still care about."

"At _one time_?" Blair arches an eyebrow. "S, if you think you're over Nate – "

Serena puts a stop to her words by waving a hand through the air. Redirecting the conversation, she says, "So what are you going to do about Cameron?"

"I don't know." She sighs. "I can't break up with him."

"And…why not?"

"Because that would be like admitting defeat."

Serena's eyes widen. "Oh, B, _no_. Tell me you're not doing that thing where you try – "

"To win the breakup." She nods briskly. "Yes."

"Blair."

"It's perfectly logical! Everyone does it."

"I'm not – "

"You and Nate are an exception. Because," Blair sends a pointed look toward Serena's stomach. "But _otherwise_, you would be trying to win the breakup, even if you like to think that you wouldn't."

"I don't think, I know," Serena says stubbornly.

"You can say that because you don't have to go through with it. I'm the one who has to listen to Cameron talk about his _real_ and _manly_ sport until he falls madly in love with me."

Serena giggles. "And that's when you've won the breakup? I thought _you_ were supposed to move on for that to happen."

"You have to look like you've moved on, that's all. And after Cameron I'll move on for real."

"B." Serena pauses. "What if he really likes you?"

Blair wrinkles her nose. "That's the point."

"Okay." Serena holds up her hands in surrender. "I give up. And I should probably get ready to go."

"Go?"

"Yeah. Eric called a couple days ago to tell me that we're having dinner tonight. Apparently Mom and Rufus have decided on some mandatory family time."

Blair eyes her worriedly. "You think you'll be able to eat?"

Serena swallows hard, shrugs, "I hope so."

"Are you going to tell them? Your mom and Rufus?"

"No. No, it's…it's still too soon."

"Putting it off will only make it harder," Blair tells her gently. It's easy advice to give and hard advice to follow, she knows, but she feels like she has to say it.

Serena shrugs one shoulder and sits up all the way as well. "Jenny's having some sort of crisis – "

"You mean the one that involves too much eyeliner and a skanky plan to steal your boyfriend? Your mother and Rufus have only _just_ figured that out?"

Serena shrugs again, but she's smiling a little this time. "I guess so. They seem pretty freaked out, so I figure…I may as well let them deal with one disappointing daughter at a time."

"Oh, honey." Blair reaches out and gives Serena's hand a squeeze. "You are _way_ less of a disappointment than Jenny Humphrey."

"Gee, thanks, B," she laughs softly.

"What time is dinner?"

"In like an hour," Serena says, glancing at the clock. "I should get ready…"

"Shower," Blair nods, patting the blonde's knee. "And maybe brush your teeth twice?"

Serena gasps, throws a pillow at Blair's face. "I do not need to be reminded of my puke-breath, thanks," she says wryly.

"It might be a bit suspicious if you show up with breath like that, that's all," Blair teases.

Serena stands and peels off the sweater she's wearing. "Hey, thanks…for calling Nate earlier."

"He impregnated you," Blair shrugs, quirking her eyebrows. "He's supposed to willingly tolerate your puke-breath."

"Stop!" Serena cries. "It's not like anything happened."

Blair blinks innocently and smirks. "I didn't mention anything happening."

Serena frowns. "I'm showering now."

"Mm-hm."

"Hey!" she exclaims in protest. "You're the one who's _faking_ your breakup victory."

"You're faking a _breakup_," Blair shoots back before Serena slips into the bathroom and slams the door closed behind her.

:::

It throws her for a considerable loop when Dan is standing right in front of her the moment she steps out of the elevator.

He looks at her for a moment (for too long) before he smiles and says, "Hey!"

"Hey," she replies in a softer voice.

"I didn't know you'd be coming tonight."

"Ditto," she says, and then self-corrects, "I mean, I didn't…I didn't know you would be here. Which is silly; of course you'd be here."

Dan looks at her with soft eyes – and she looks a little trapped, right now, but she also looks adorable and she's wearing shoes that do _amazing_ things to her legs, so he can't help it. "I know what you meant," he promises. "I thought rambling was my job?"

She smiles, relaxing a bit. "Maybe we can trade for the night?" she teases. "You aggravate my mother and I'll ramble."

"Sounds like a plan," he grins, but it disappears quickly and the volume of his voice drops a couple notches, "Listen, Serena, about the other night –"

She shakes her head and opens her mouth, but before she can speak Eric walks up, smiling.

"Hey," he says, and she steps around Dan to hug him.

"Hey. Did you get taller in the last couple days?" she jokes.

"No. And you're wearing three-inch heels," he points out.

"I must be imaging things, then." She turns her back to Dan, ruffles Eric's hair. "Should we see if Mom – "

The elevator doors open again, cutting off her sentence, and Chuck steps out, with Nate only a pace behind him.

"Hey," Eric greets them both happily, glances from his sister to Nate and back again.

"Eric," Chuck replies with a smile. He touches Serena's arm briefly as he walks by her. "Serena. Humphrey," he adds, sizing up Dan.

"Yo, E," Nate says warmly, giving a gentle shove to the younger boy's head before he turns his attention to Serena and mutters, "Hey."

"Hey. I didn't…" She glances over her shoulder, throws Chuck an inquisitive look, but he isn't looking at her. When she turns back to Nate she finishes her sentence: "I didn't know you'd be here."

Dan has drifted away and Eric leaves them to sort out their unfinished business, so Nate takes a couple steps closer. She's wearing a pretty blue shirt that matches her eyes and red heels, the kind of clothes that she looks incredible in but that he believes look just a little bit better when they're off of her and lying on his bedroom floor instead.

"It's okay that I'm here, though, right? Chuck invited me, I think he just feels…outnumbered by Humphreys, here."

"Yeah, sure, of course it's okay," she says.

He takes in her flustered body language and thinks maybe it's _not_ okay, but if she won't say anything then he won't address it. Dropping his voice low, he asks, "You feeling okay now?"

Serena feels her cheeks flame; she almost never blushes. "Yes, so far, so good." She glances at him through her eyelashes. "Thank you for earlier today."

Nate holds her gaze. "Anytime."

"Nate!" Lily interjects then, smiling at him. "I didn't know you were joining us."

"Hi, Mrs. van – Mrs. Humphrey," he corrects himself. "Sorry if I'm intruding – "

"Nonsense, we're happy to have you," she cuts in. "We'll just set another place at the table, I'm sure we can all squeeze in." The smile she directs at him is polite but warm, and she brushes her hand over Serena's shoulder as she says, "You're practically family."

Serena cringes before she can help it. "We broke up, Mom," she says, somewhat sullenly. She can feel a headache building behind her eyes.

"Oh, my." Lily's eyes dart between the two of them. "I'm so sorry to hear that," she says evenly. There is an inquisitive note in her voice, but she won't ask questions.

"So was I," Nate mutters under his breath; Serena shoots him a wounded look.

"You broke up?" It's Jenny's voice that interrupts. She's standing in the doorway of the kitchen, hair pulled up messily and eyes circled by layers of kohl.

Serena turns around and levels her step-sister with a steady, burning glare. "Happy now?"

"Serena!" Lily admonishes, but Rufus interrupts.

"Jennifer," he sighs. "Don't you have longer dresses?"

"Leave her," Lily tells him softly, walking toward him and touching his arm.

"Let's just eat?" Eric interrupts hopefully, trying to diffuse the tension before it even has a chance to build up.

"Yeah!" Nate agrees, jumping on the idea and offering up a sheepish grin as he admits shamelessly, "I'm starving."

"Yes, shall we?" Chuck says with a nod, reinforcing the idea. He offers his arm to Lily to escort her into the dining room.

She smiles. "Thank you, Charles."

Nate nudges Serena, whispers playfully, "He's such a suck-up."

And she bites back a smile, which he considers success, so he makes a show of bowing and holding out a crooked arm toward her. But she shakes her head, slips away from him (can't touch him), and enters the dining room alone, takes a seat in between Dan and Eric, both of whom smile at her.

"Nathaniel," Chuck says firmly, in a way explicitly meant to convey that the blond boy should stop sulking in the doorway. He touches the chair next to his own. "Have a seat."

Nate does, and he starts a little when Jenny takes a seat in the chair next to his.

She peeks at him through mascara-coated eyelashes, says quietly, "I didn't know you were going to be here."

He gives her a fleeting smile in return, confesses, "Neither did I."

Staff descend on the table, setting down plates and filling glasses with white wine. They move quickly and quietly, save for the occasional _clink_ as one dish touches another.

As they leave, Rufus reaches for Lily's hand and she squeezes his fingers, look around the table at them all. "It's so wonderful to have the whole family around one table. I'm so glad you're here, Charles. You could have brought Blair, you know."

He smirks in a practiced way, no feeling behind it. "Nathaniel insisted on being my date." He glances at Serena. "I thought you might bring Blair along, sis."

Nate glances up. That's news to him.

Serena's eyes flicker over to Chuck's. "I didn't think it was appropriate to bring _guests_ to family dinner."

"Blair would hardly be a guest, dear."

She sighs. "Well. Maybe next time." She reaches for her wine glass and takes a sip, only to spit the mouthful out a second later, her eyes widening. Chuck reaches across Eric without a word and plucks the glass from her hand, setting it down next to his own.

"Is something wrong with the wine?" Lily asks, her brow furrowing.

"No." Serena musters up a smile but offers up no explanation.

"Then why would you – "

"I don't like wine," she shrugs.

"You've always liked wine," her mother says wryly.

She lies, "I just brushed my teeth, my mouth still tastes like toothpaste."

Jenny heaves a sigh, bored of the conversation. "Can we just get this over with?"

Rufus frowns, tells his daughter quietly, "We want to have dinner as a family, Jen."

"Yeah, before you ship me away," she mutters, stabbing at her food with her fork.

"What?" Nate blurts just before Lily starts to speak, starts to say something about Jenny's best interests and how much they love her, but he doesn't hear her – he is too acutely aware of the way both Jenny's and Serena's eyes have suddenly fastened on him.

"I want to stay," Jenny protests, interrupting Lily. "I don't – this city's all I have left."

Eric looks down, picking at his food but not eating any.

Dan sighs, clears his throat awkwardly. "You'll come visit," he promises, then winces at the sound of his own words, which really aren't all that helpful.

"Fresh starts are wonderful things," Lily says smoothly. "Aren't they, Serena?"

Her daughter blinks, pulls her gaze away from Nate. "I don't know," she breathes.

"See!" Jenny jumps on that. "She – "

"Don't assume you know what I'm thinking, Jenny," Serena cuts her off, her voice firmer now.

"Okay," Dan interjects, looking back and forth between the two of them. "_What_ is going on between you guys?"

"Nothing," Jenny bites out.

"Nothing?" Serena demands.

"Don't say that like I'm the problem," Jenny shoots back, her eyes hard. "You're the one who's unfaithful."

Serena's jaw drops.

Rufus runs a hand over his face, begins, "Kids – "

"What are you implying?" Serena asks her icily.

Jenny smirks. "You know what I'm implying."

"Nate _knows_ nothing happened with Carter, and so do you!" Serena replies, her voice rising dangerously. "You're the one who tried to – "

"I didn't _try_ anything. I was here while you ran off without saying a word to your boyfriend."

"Hey," Nate says quietly; he tries to catch up with the conversation, desperate to make peace.

"I was trying to find my father." Serena blinks rapidly. Beneath the table, Dan's fingers brush gently against hers, but she pulls her hand away.

"You should have stayed with him and stayed away."

"Jen," Eric tries, his voice muted and his eyes on his sister's face.

"You tried to make sure of that, didn't you?" Her lips twist. "What, you thought if I left Nate would just fall into your arms? You think he's just been waiting for you?" Her voice trembles a little on the last words.

"He deserves better than you." Jenny lifts her eyebrow. "At least I wouldn't cheat."

Nate opens his mouth but no sound comes out.

"Jenny," Rufus says, his voice rising; it's a warning.

"I _didn't_!" Serena yells back; her throat is tightening.

"Then what were you doing in Dan's bed?" Jenny's voice is a notch below Serena's and her eyes are glittering; anger, hurt, and triumph mixing together.

Silence falls over the room. Lily exchanges a shocked look with her husband, Dan fixes his eyes on his plate, and Nate turns toward Serena, a wordless question.

"Even _Chuck_ knows you're too much of a whore for Nate, he – "

"Jenny." It is Lily who warns her this time, a shocked utterance laced with steel.

And Jenny talks right over it, says, "He helped me, that night. He tried to break you up."

Serena doesn't even bother to look at her step-brother, simply scoffs, "You're delusional."

"Serena," Lily sighs, narrowing her eyes, but no one pays attention to her disapproval.

"He did. Ask him." Jenny lifts her chin. "He said he wanted you out of the picture."

With a roll of her eyes, Serena glances at Chuck, "You would nev – " And she stops right there, because something in his eyes at that moment makes her doubt her own words. "You…" She swallows hard, and her confident statement is suddenly an entirely uncertain question: "You'd never?"

"They don't tell you much, do they?" Jenny asks, her voice shaky with emotion. "Did they tell you about the night we all went out drinking? Or the night after your father left, when I stayed with them? Did Nate tell you I shared his bed?" She pauses. "They didn't tell you any of that, did they?"

Serena looks away from Chuck, slowly lets her eyes find Nate's face instead, and she can feel all the questions in his expression, the confusion and the guilt and the hurt and the heartache – she knows it's all reflected in her eyes.

"S," he says quietly, helplessly.

The room does a slow, steady spin around her and she sucks in some air, lets her eyes flutter shut for just a moment. The tightness in her throat is getting heavier, building up from her stomach and her chest, and she realizes, then, that she's going to be sick. Without a word, she gets up from the table and rushes out of the room.

Dan can hardly think straight – the relationships on the Upper East Side have always been so tangled that they were almost impossible to straighten out, and his brain is desperately trying to keep up with and understand everything that's just been revealed – but he does know one thing, and that is that once, he loved the girl who just ran off down the hall, and that part of him longs to love her again. He stands up, clears his throat and offers, "I'll go."

His father and his step-mother look just as shell-shocked as he feels, and their eyes are full of alarm as they look at him – he knows they're probably still thinking about what Jenny said about Serena being in his bed.

Nate stands up, too, levels Dan with a Vanderbilt stare, powerful and not to be contradicted. "No," he says, slowly and firmly; leaves no room for protest. "I'll go."

**tbc.**


	5. four

**A/N:** Thank you for your reviews.

**.four.**

Nate knocks on the door once and doesn't wait for an answer before he barges into the bathroom. He reaches out to Serena immediately, one hand resting softly on her back, the other gathering her hair, but she bats him away, gagging.

"Serena…" He pulls her hair back gently when she doubles over, brushes blonde strands out of her face. "Are you okay?"

She coughs, pushes him away again and slumps to sit on the side of the tub. Her hair is a mess around her cheeks and her forehead is sweaty and she thinks she might be crying – she's embarrassed and hurt and so tired of the acidy burn at the back of her throat. She blows out her breath slowly, her hands clenched over the sides of the tub, and lifts her face to look at Nate.

Wearily, she asks, "Did you sleep with her?"

Nate balks. "With Jenny?"

Serena stares at him, doesn't bother to answer.

And he stares back at her indignantly. "_No._ No." Jenny's nice (she's his friend), and he gets that she's going through a lot right now; she definitely filled him in on her whole life that one night she _very innocently _slept _on_ his bed, not even in it. And she tried to break them up, so really, there's no way he'd ever – he makes himself focus and shakes his head. "No, I didn't sleep with her."

"Then why would she – "

"I don't know, Serena," he cuts her off gruffly. "Maybe I'm in the middle of whatever the hell is going on between the two of you, but it's _between_ the two of you. Don't ask me to explain it."

She frowns. "She likes you, Nate. That much should be obvious."

"And she knows I love you." He waits a beat before he adds, a bit mockingly, "That much should be obvious."

"Why wouldn't you tell me?" She knows he's not her boyfriend anymore but he _was_, then, when all of this happened. She makes herself breathe, demands, "Why don't you ever tell me anything involving her? Why is she some secret for you?"

"She's not, Serena, she's just – " He shrugs, at a loss. "It wasn't anything to _tell_, you know? Hanging out with Jenny is just…hanging out with a friend."

She stares at the floor. "You don't have to lie to me. You're not my boyfriend anymore."

"Serena." He huffs, frustrated, and crouches down in front of her so that he can look into her eyes. He rests a hand on her knee – just for balance. "We're just friends. That's all we've ever been and it's all we're ever going to be."

"She likes you," Serena sniffs. "And I know I don't really have a right to be jealous or anything, but…you have to know that."

Nate smiles a little, counters with, "And I…like _you_. You have to know that." It's basically a repeat of the point he just made, but he'll say it over and over again for as long as it takes for her to believe it.

"Nate…"

He shrugs. "I told you, I'm in." He tries not to sound accusing as he adds, "You were the one broke us up."

She presses her lips together, asks very quietly, "Or did Chuck?"

"Yeah, I don't…I don't know what that was about."

"Why…why would he, why would…"

Nate reaches up and tucks her hair carefully behind her ear. "We'll figure it out. He'll explain." The look Serena gives him is dubious, but he pushes on and asks, "You wanna tell me what happened with Dan?"

"Nothing," she says quickly. "Really, nothing. He just…he came with me so I could see my dad before he left, and then I didn't…I didn't want to come back home so I just crashed at his place." She searches Nate's eyes, hopes that he'll see that she's telling the truth. "The loft doesn't exactly have guest bedrooms…I slept in his bed but nothing happened." She swallows hard, repeats, "Nothing happened."

He nods. "I believe you."

Serena's lips quirk up into a smile. "I believe you, too," she whispers.

"And for…for the record, Serena, I didn't want to hurt you. I just…didn't want you to get hurt. I know that your dad – "

To his surprise, she reaches out and wraps her arms around her neck, effectively cutting his sentence off. It's a bit of an awkward hug, considering their positions, and he's a little unsteady, but he carefully slides his hands to rest around her waist in return, just holds her for a moment.

"I know," she says softly against his shoulder. She's known since it happened, even if she didn't really want to. "I know. I'm not…I'm not really angry about that anymore."

"Good," he replies, voice just as soft, and he tries very hard not to wonder if that was the only thing she was mad about, the only thing keeping them apart. He presses his nose lightly into her hair, breathes her in.

She nods against his shoulder but says nothing, and she makes no move to pull away from him.

So he takes a chance and slips his thumb, just his thumb, up and underneath the hem of her soft blue shirt right where his hand rests at her wait, and skims it very carefully over the smooth skin of her stomach. He smiles a little, puts his mouth right by her ear when he asks, "The two of you feeling better now?"

Serena nods, resting her hands lightly on his shoulders as she pulls back to look into his eyes. "I think eating, in general, is just not the best idea right now." She shakes her head. "I don't know why I came tonight."

He grins. "I think you had express orders to."

She touches his chest, fingertips pressing gently against his dark blue button-down shirt for just a second. "I'm glad you're here, too."

Nate makes a face as he straightens up. "I think dinner might have been a little bit less…exciting, had I not shown up." He extends his hands to her.

She laughs a little, accepting his hands and letting him pull her to her feet. "I want to go," she admits. "I'll just tell my mom I have the flu or something."

"I'll take you," he offers.

Serena smiles, teases, "Yeah? You don't want to stay here with Jenny and Dan and Chuck after that?"

"For some reason, it doesn't appeal to me," he jokes back. "I'll take you to Blair's. We can get smoothies or something on the way. You think you can keep one of those down?"

She shrugs, her smile softening. "It's worth a shot."

:::

"Serena?" Lily lifts her eyebrows as she says her daughter's name, a question in and of itself.

"I'm not feeling very well," she says, taking in the scene at the table. Dan's glass of wine is empty; she ignores the _we need to talk_ look he's giving her. Chuck and Eric are silent, next to one another, their food gone. Jenny's got enough makeup smeared around her eyes to make it obvious that she's been crying. "I'm going to go home."

Rufus shoots her a puzzled look. "I thought you moved back in."

"I did," she agrees, "but, um…I'm just going to be staying with Blair for a while. She's alone now, with her mother and Cyrus in Paris, and Dorota's busy with Anastasia, so…"

Lily massages her temples wearily. "Alright." She glances at Rufus before she adds, "Let us know when you want to come home."

Serena's not entirely sure how long she'll be welcome here, not after her mother finds out, but nonetheless she promises, "I will."

"Are you leaving, too, Nate?"

"Yeah, I'm going to take her. Thank you for the salad, I'm sorry about…" He trails off and shrugs, mutters, "Have a safe trip to Hudson, Jenny."

She doesn't reply; instead, Chuck says, "I'll come with you."

Serena frowns at him, bites out, "I'd really rather you didn't."

"Serena," Lily snaps, clearly losing patience.

Nate does some quick damage-control; he throws Lily his sweetest smile and shakes his head subtly at Chuck. "Sorry, she's just not feeling well. Let's go, S."

She doesn't need to be asked twice, and they're stepping into the elevator only a moment later. Lily blows out her breath very slowly, murmurs to no one, "I thought they broke up."

Dan shrugs, mutters, "I did, too."

Rufus turns toward him, opens his mouth to speak, but Dan cuts him off.

"Don't worry about it, Dad. Serena and I are…friends. She just needed somewhere to crash the other night. Jenny misinterpreted whatever it was that she saw." He tries to smile convincingly as he reiterates, "Don't worry about it."

:::

Blair looks up from her book when Nate and Serena step off the elevator, both sipping from bright-coloured straws in equally bright-coloured cups. She unfolds herself from the position she's curled up in and lifts her eyebrows. "That was much too short for a Lily van der Woodsen dinner. What happened?"

"Serena threw up in the middle of the meal," Nate reports cheerfully.

She gasps, elbows him in the ribs. "Don't say it like _that_. It makes it sound like I threw up all over the table." She glances at Blair, informs her, "Which I did not."

"It didn't make it sound like that," Nate protests.

Blair rolls her eyes, sets her book aside. "_Focus_," she orders them.

Serena sighs, walks across the room and flops down next to Blair. "My family is never boring."

"There was yelling," Nate adds. "We left early."

"And they're shipping Jenny off to live with her mom," Serena contributes. "I'd feel sorry for her if I wasn't mad at her."

"Please, as if Little J deserves your sympathy," Blair scoffs. "What happened, did she cause a scene?"

Serena scrunches up her nose. "We all kind of did. It was a mess." She looks over at Nate and pats the cushion beside her, a wordless request for him to come and sit, too.

He does, even if he thinks it's ridiculous – the way his heart jumps at that one gesture. He holds his smoothie out to her, proposes, "Switch?"

She nods, exchanging cups with him, and then seethes, "I need to have a _talk_ with Chuck."

Blair pulls back a little to get a better look at Serena's face, a little impressed by the heat in those words. Teasingly, she asks, "Do you want to join the We Hate Chuck Club?"

Serena purses her lips, pretending to consider. "Do you have t-shirts?"

"Ew, no," Blair laughs.

"I'm going to have to turn you down, then," Serena teases back, but her expression shifts into something more somber as she says, "But Chuck…"

"Let me talk to him first," Nate offers, but it's really more of a question than anything else.

The blonde bristles a bit. "I have just as much of a right to yell at him as you do – "

"Just let me get the back story, S," he says in his most soothing tone. "It'll be easier. He knows how angry you are."

"And why aren't _you_ as angry as I am?"

"Well…" He flounders for a moment. "Well, it didn't work," he finally says. It never could have worked. He'd loved Serena; he loves her, still. He's only ever cheated once and it was _with_ her – she's different, she's special, she's the girl he's always wanted.

"But it's the whole idea that matters, Nate! Who is he to just go around – "

Blair clears her throat pointedly. "Focus, _please_," she sighs. "Explain to me what he did."

Nate doesn't stop looking at Serena as he answers Blair: "He tried to break me and Serena up."

She scowls. "_When?_"

He shrugs, tears his eyes from Serena. "After," he says, and that's enough of an explanation.

Pursing her lips, she asks, "_How?_"

"He said he wanted to go out drinking, and he got Jenny to come with us, kind of sent Jenny and me back to the suite together…" He frowns thoughtfully, looking back at Serena. "I'm guessing he also…he was the one who made you think something was going on with Jenny…"

She shakes her head. "No, I saw Jenny leaving with your shirt, the day I got back…she said she'd slept at a friend's but she was obviously lying…"

"Wait." Blair laughs a little, presses her lips together as her eyebrows arch in disbelief. "_Wait._ Are you telling me that Chuck tried to break you up using _Jenny Humphrey_?"

They nod in unison.

She breathes out another laugh, leans back into the couch cushions and glances at the ceiling. "He's losing his touch," she comments, a bit smugly. "That is _hardly_ how to go about breaking the two of you up. Jenny would be a useless tool."

Nate and Serena both stare at her before exchanging a startled look with one another.

"B," Serena finally says carefully, "Have you _thought_ about how to break Nate and me up?"

"Do you have a _plan_?" Nate adds, his eyes widening.

She rolls her eyes dismissively. "Of course not." A bit grudgingly, she admits, "You two would be difficult…I'm still moderately surprised you managed to break yourselves up."

Serena blinks. "I honestly don't know if that's an insult or a compliment." She glances at Nate, a consultation for his opinion.

He shrugs. "Don't look at _me_."

She giggles a little. "I'm going to go call Eric, apologize for leaving him in that mess. Thanks for the smoothie. And for…"

Nate nods, reaches over to give her knee a quick squeeze. "No need to thank me."

Serena smiles at them both and leaves the room, making a detour in the kitchen to throw away her empty cup.

A chuckle slips out between Blair's lips only a second after her friend leaves, and she turns and meets Nate's inquisitive gaze with thoroughly amused eyes.

"Jenny _Humphrey_, really?"

He laughs with her, a burst of amusement. Of course Blair would find that to be the funniest part. "Well…" He shrugs, smiles at her. "It didn't _work_."

:::

Dan gives it a five-day window.

He says goodbye to his little sister. At Grand Central, as they stand together, she looks like his little sister again, looks like _Jenny_ – her face is scrubbed clean and there is a flash of a pink hem sticking out from beneath her gray coat and when she hugs him tight he feels protective of her; for a second he does not want to let her go. But he does, because he knows she needs this. He loves Jenny but he doesn't love how she's been acting lately.

His father is there, of course, and he looks the most like he might cry. Lily smiles the whole time, but the line of her mouth is tight with something like regret. Eric calls Jenny back for a second hug, not quite matching his mother's smile, and Dan sighs.

"You'll come visit on the weekends," he says. It's a short trip; this is not the epic farewell they're all making it out to be.

Serena is not there. He doesn't know if she had some sort of previous commitment or if she's just still mad at Jenny (or, a nagging voice at the back of his head adds, if she is trying to avoid him). After their disastrous dinner the other night, it doesn't exactly surprise him, but he is disappointed.

He goes home and just hangs out for a while. He picks his courses for next year, sends Vanessa a long e-mail that includes everything but the truth (every single thing except the things she really deserves to know), and considers cleaning out the fridge in the loft, but in the end he decides against it.

And finally, he sends Serena a text message. Carefully, he types it into his phone (_we need to talk. please._) and waits for her to reply.

She must have been expecting it, because his phone beeps only a moment later, carrying the following reply: _fine. not here tho, i'll come to bklyn._

Relieved, he asks, _when?_

_tuesday. 11-ish._

_ok_, he replies, _see you then._

:::

Serena decides not to tell anyone.

It's not exactly a secret and it's not exactly denial, it's just – she'll go, and she'll talk to Dan, and she'll explain that she made a mistake and that he's her friend and that's all they are, and then it'll be as if none of it ever happened.

She wants to go back for a lot of reasons, but none of them are reasons that she's willing to share.

So when she walks into the kitchen, finds Blair sitting at the island, her head bent over a magazine while she lazily pops a single grape into her mouth, she does her best to distract her best friend before she can ask questions.

Serena plucks a freshly-baked muffin out of a basket, tears a bite-sized piece off the top and sticks it in Blair's mouth, orders, "Eat."

Blair pushes her hand away, glares as she chews. "Gross, Serena," she sighs after she swallows.

The blonde laughs, sets the rest of the muffin down next to Blair's grapes and moves to the fridge, pulls out a pitcher of orange juice and fills up two glasses.

"Where're you off to?" Blair demands, eyeing her critically. Serena's hair is straightened and she's wearing a short, partially sheer black dress with kitten heels. Considering that Serena has existed almost solely in pyjama pants and slippers for the past couple days, this sudden change in her appearance means something is going on. She takes a bite of the muffin, asks, "Are you going to the Empire?"

"No." Serena takes a drink and blinks at Blair, confused. "Should I be going to the Empire?"

Blair frowns and does not answer. Instead, she asks bluntly, "Who're you dressed up for, then?"

"Blair." Serena gives her a scolding look, but her smile gives away her amusement. "I'm dressed up for _me_."

Laughing, Blair says, "Do _not_ give me that empowerment line."

"Fine, I'm dressed up for _you_?" Serena tries.

"S. What are you hiding?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me where you're going, then."

"Nowhere important." She leans in and kisses Blair's cheek before she flits out of the room, calling, "I'll be back later!" over her shoulder.

"Where are you _going_?" Blair calls after her, the pitch of her voice rising, but Serena either does not hear or pretends not to.

:::

"Dude." Nate stares at Chuck disbelievingly. "How are you still in bed?"

Chuck sits up and squints at him, massaging his temples wearily. "It's _morning_, Nathaniel."

Nate rolls his eyes. "It's like ten-thirty."

"Still morning." Chuck sighs. "Not all of us get up freakishly early to…" He takes in Nate's apparel (t-shirt, sweatpants, sneakers) and guesses, "Go for a run?"

"Yeah – but you get up early to do all your _work_ stuff like everyday." Nate pauses, looks around Chuck's room for a moment before he focuses on his best friend again. Lowering his voice a little, he asks, "Are you…wallowing?"

"No," Chuck snaps, too quickly.

Nate grins but makes an effort to stifle it. "You so are."

"I'm definitely not wallowing, whatever I'm supposed to think that means – "

"It means you're pouting 'cause Blair won't take you back," Nate clarifies, leaning against the doorjamb.

"Thanks for the explanation," Chuck shoots back dryly.

"Look, man, you did kind of crappy stuff to her…"

"Nathaniel." Chuck lifts his eyebrows. _Whose side are you on?_

So Nate drops the subject, nods once to himself before he says, "Get up, I need you to come somewhere with me."

"I'm not going rollerblading with you."

"Rollerblading," Nate says firmly, "is _awesome_. But I actually need to go shopping, so." He waits a beat and then adds, "Come _on_, get up."

Chuck doesn't move. "We have people to shop for us. Just tell – "

"No, I need to go. It's important that I do this."

"And what is so important that you needed to wake me up and drag me out of bed to go with you to buy it?"

"I need books." At Chuck's blank stare, he clarifies, "Baby books."

"Ah." Chuck nods. "And you need me to come with you _because_…"

Nate shrugs. "Babies are cute, maybe they'll help you stop wallowing. And I think there are a lot of books." He scratches at the back of his neck, a little nervously – there is a _lot_ of stuff to learn about babies. "There were when I Googled it earlier, anyway. So…manpower, you know. I'm going to need someone to help me carry all of them."

"Are you asking me to be your pack mule?"

Nate grins, coaxes, "If that's what you want to be called, then yeah…"

"I really don't want to," Chuck admits. He's not wallowing, but if he was, he would want to stay exactly where he is – in his bed, sleeping – to do it.

"I _need_ you though," Nate whines. "And so does Serena, since I'm doing this for her, and if Serena needs something I'm pretty sure that means _Blair_ needs it."

"First of all, that doesn't make sense. And secondly," Chuck frowns, sets his feet on the floor. "Saying _her_ name to me is not some kind of magical password," he grumbles.

Nate keeps grinning in the doorway. "Got you out of bed, though."

:::

Dan's sitting on the concrete steps outside of his building when Serena arrives, and it makes her pause a couple feet away from him, flustered when she asks, "Am I late?"

"No, no." He stands up and smiles at her. "I was just…waiting." He wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans, tells her earnestly, "You look beautiful."

She shifts a little under the weight of his gaze. "You…you look good, too," she murmurs.

"Want to go get coffee?"

"Um…sure," she says, as brightly as she can. She doesn't know what she'll order – decaf would be a glaring neon sign. Maybe juice? Do they have juice at coffee shops?

"Serena?" Dan studies her face worriedly. She looks beautiful, like he said, but she also looks nervous. "Let's go?"

"Yeah." She smiles and as she falls into step with him, the curve of her lips relaxes and her smile becomes more genuine. "Sorry if I'm distracted."

"It's fine." He glances at her in his peripheral vision. "Anything that you want to talk about?"

"Not in particular, no."

Dan stops at the nearest coffee shop – it looks a little dingy and he's never liked the radio station they always have playing, but he wants to get this over with before he loses his nerve or Serena bolts. "Is here okay?"

"Sure; perfect." She follows him in, eyes skimming the chalkboards behind the cashier's head, looking for something she can drink, while Dan orders himself a cup of coffee.

When he turns to her, an unvoiced question, she flashes the cashier a pretty smile and says, "I'll just have a bottle of water, thanks."

"Sure," he shrugs, throwing them a look before he asks, "Is this together?"

"Yes," Dan says.

_No_ is on the tip of Serena's tongue, and she blinks, touches Dan's elbow tentatively. "Let me pay you back – "

He shakes his head but is careful not to shake off her touch. "Serena. It's just a bottle of water."

She glances down and pulls her hand away. She lets him pay for their drinks.

They sit at a tiny table in the corner. One of the legs on Serena's chair is shorter than all the others, so it careens dangerously to the side when she crosses her legs. She grips the edges of it to steady herself.

"Can we just talk about it?" she asks softly. When Dan looks up at her, surprised, she adds, "I don't want to sit here talking about nothing when we both know why we're here."

He clears his throat. "Yeah, let's…let's talk about it." He looks into her eyes, tries to find some clues as to what she's thinking. Cautiously, she says, "You kissed me."

Serena nods. She twists the cap aggressively off her bottle of water. "You kissed me back."

"Yeah. I did." He inches his chair the slightest bit closer to hers. "Listen," he begins.

But Serena cuts him off, blurting, "I was upset."

Dan takes her abrupt interruption in stride as he agrees, "Yeah, I know you were. I know you've been going through a lot lately. With your dad…with Nate…" He swallows. "With everything. I know that you just…you needed someone."

She meets his gaze, blue eyes brimming with tentative relief. "You do?"

"I do," he confirms.

"But you…I kissed you because…" She doesn't really know, not really. Why has she ever done any of the things that she does? "Because…like you said, I needed someone, and you were there, and _thank_ you for doing that…"

"I'd do it again in a heartbeat," he tells her quietly.

She takes a sharp breath and tries to get back to what she was originally saying: "I kissed you because you were so good to me that night, and I was…lonely, and confused, and hurting, but…" She bites her lip, reminds him, "You kissed me back."

Dan exhales slowly. "I know, I…I shouldn't be thinking this, but the truth is that I'd do that again in a heartbeat, too."

"But…" The look in his eyes is making it hard for her to focus. "But…_Vanessa_. You love Vanessa. Don't you?"

He moves his chair one more inch closer, effectively closing the gap between them. "I do. In a way I always have, since we were just kids, and I think that somewhere along the line I sort of forgot all the distinctions. You know how it is. When you're fourteen or fifteen and you fall for someone, it feels like forever…especially if you never really get to try it out. And then when you _do_ have that opportunity…" He shrugs. "It's different. You're not fourteen or fifteen anymore. And it's not always…what you expected it to be." He looks at her for a long moment, asks her very softly, "You know how that is, don't you?"

Serena blinks rapidly against the sudden stinging in her eyes. She does. She knows exactly. "But you have to try," she whispers. The way she'd loved Nate when she was younger and crazier had been so strong it had, in a way, torn her world apart – this time around, knowing that he loved her back, that was supposed to put it all back together.

Dan nods. "You have to try because you'd always wonder, if you didn't. But after you know…"

She lifts her chin a bit. "After you know?"

"Serena…" He reaches out, lays his hand very carefully over hers. "God, I…I miss you."

"You have a girlfriend."

"She left for Haiti while we were on the rocks; when she's back, we'll talk and I think…I think she feels the same way."

Serena's lips quirk upward. "She missed me, too?" she teases.

Dan laughs, surprised by her words, and Serena joins him a moment later, ducking her head and hiding behind the curtain of her hair.

"I missed that four-year-old laugh of yours," he tells her warmly.

She sighs but she doesn't pull her hand away from where it is resting under his. "You _can't_, Dan. Even if you didn't have a girlfriend, there are a million other things…"

"You wouldn't have kissed just anyone," he interrupts her.

And that's something she can't argue with. "No," she admits. "Not just anyone."

"I know this seems crazy – "

"It _is_ crazy," Serena insists. "It is. Dan, our…our parents are _married_. We have a…half-brother."

He winces with her, but he says, "That doesn't technically make us related, you know that. We're older now, our parents – "

"_Still._" Serena sighs, refuses to look him in the eye. _And I'm pregnant. With someone else's baby._ "You don't want me," she says, tries to explain without really explaining.

Dan lifts her hand to touch her cheek, tilts her face up so that they're looking at one another. "Serena, that night…that kiss…it was like, I don't know…it was like gravity. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since then; it's like it used to be. It felt so right, to be with you – I haven't felt that way since that Christmas, do you remember?"

Of course she does. She doesn't say anything.

"You can't tell me you didn't feel that, too…" His heart pounds as he leans closer.

"Dan," she breathes out; barely a whisper of a warning.

And then he kisses her.

(Again.)

**tbc.**


	6. five

**A/N:** My apologies for the wait for this chapter! I've been pretty busy lately. Thank you for your feedback, and reviews, as always, are love.

**.five.**

"There's a _section_."

Chuck, who is standing about a foot behind Nate, crosses his arms. "Yes, I see that."

Nate can only stare. "I thought there'd be a…a shelf. Maybe two shelves, but not…not a whole _section_."

Chuck sighs (for what must be the eighth time since they left the suite) and steps forward. "Well…did you make a list? Of the good ones?"

"No, I didn't, I…" He throws his friend a helpless look. "I didn't think there'd be this many."

Nodding, Chuck surveys the selection; book after book after book. "Okay, Nathaniel. What approach do you want to take?"

Nate touches the spine of one of the books hesitantly, throws back: "What approach do _you_ think I should take?"

"Buy the best ones," he suggests with a smirk.

"I don't know what the best ones are, though." He clenches his jaw, squints at the shelves. "I think," he finally says, "that this is an all or nothing situation."

"Which means…" Chuck trails off, waits for Nate to fill him in.

He grins. "It means that you actually do need to be my pack mule, man." Pulling four books off the shelf, he orders, "Arms out, seriously. You need to carry some of these for me."

"You – you're going to buy them _all_?"

"Yup." He loads the books into Chuck's hands. "You can't know enough, right?"

"I suppose not," Chuck admits; he winces when Nate gives him three more books to hold. "These are _heavy_, Nathaniel."

"Yo, just one more," Nate insists, placing the book on top of the pile and patting Chuck on the back encouragingly.

Chuck grimaces but he doesn't complain, even though he does insist, "Only _one_."

* * *

"Mm, Dan – no," she says, pulling back from the kiss and shaking her head.

"Serena," he tries, voice gentle.

"No, I can't do this. I really can't." She gives him a pleading look.

He reaches for her hand and ends up grasping her wrist gently, feeling her bones shift under her skin as she tries to wiggle out of his hold. "Please, just don't run away on me."

She melts a little at that, says quietly, "Look, I really did love you. And it was really hard when we broke up. But now…now it just feels like so long ago." She sees disappointment in his eyes and rushes on, "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you that night – "

She's cut off by the simultaneous _beep_ of her phone and a _buzz_-like sound from his. They both reach for their phones impatiently, but Dan sees it first.

"Oh," is the only thing he has time to say before Serena finds her phone.

It's a Gossip Girl blast, a picture of the two of them, of their kiss. His hand is cupping her cheek and both of them have their eyes closed, and it looks…sweet, it looks romantic. It looks like a reunion.

Serena only has time to read the first line of the blast (_my, my; if it isn't everyone's favourite star-crossed lovers_) before she panics. "Oh my god," she breathes.

A little stunned, Dan says, "She's…fast. She's really fast."

"Oh my god," Serena repeats, dropping her phone back into her purse. "Oh my god, Nate's going to – "

"Hey," Dan says softly to get her attention. "Nate's not going to do anything. He doesn't have to right to say anything at all. You're broken up." He shrugs. "What happens between you and me isn't any of his business."

"It…is, though. It is his business." She exhales slowly. "I have to go, I need to talk to him."

"Wait, no – Serena!" He stands up when she does. "You don't owe him anything."

She throws him another pleading look. _Leave it, just leave it._ "It's complicated."

He stands his ground. "Explain it to me."

"I can't." She turns around and walks out, her heart pounding. She wonders if there's any chance that Nate doesn't have his phone with him right now.

"_Wait_." Dan follows her outside, catches her elbow, "Just, wait – "

"I _can't_!" she all but shouts at him. A couple people turn to stare.

But Dan holds her gaze, determined. "Explain to me why not," he repeats steadily. He's not going to let her run off just because she's scared.

"Dan…" she whispers.

He takes a step closer. "Explain. I'll understand."

"I'll – I…can I call you later?"

"I'll understand, Serena," he says once again, "if you just explain it to me."

She sighs. He won't let this go. She glances around before she presses her lips together and grabs his hand, tugging him into a tiny alleyway.

"What – "

Serena cuts him off, her voice soft as she says matter-of-factly, "I'm pregnant."

"You're – " He stops short, feels his eyes widening. "What?"

She sighs again. "You heard me."

"You're…pregnant." His eyes dart down to her stomach; he can't help it. She looks the same as she always has. He lifts his gaze back to her face, says, "With…Nate…"

She nods, bites her lip. "Yeah."

"Wow." He runs a hand through his hair. "_Whoa._"

She smiles a little as she says, "Yeah," again.

"Wow, how're you…how're you doing?"

With a shrug, she tells him, "I'm okay."

"You probably…you probably didn't need anything else freaking you out, though," he murmurs apologetically. His eyes search hers. "What are you going to do, do you know?"

"We're keeping it," she says, quietly but with conviction. She shifts a little, doesn't quite meet his eyes.

Dan doesn't know what to say. "Uh…congratulations," he finally manages.

She blinks; smiles a little more. "Thanks."

"And you…you and Nate, you're…"

Serena sighs. "We're not together, but we're…we're doing this together. We're…friends," she decides, before adding: "But not the kind of friends that makes it okay for me to be kissing you."

Dan laughs a little, rubs at the back of his neck. "Understood."

"So I need to go talk to him…" She trails off, gives him a serious look. "You _can't_ tell anyone, okay? No one. Never. No excuses. Nobody knows yet and I'm really…really not ready for anyone to know. And if my mother found out…"

He nods. "I won't. You can trust me."

Serena nods, too. "Thank you. I'm gonna – I have to go."

"Yeah! Yeah, go."

"Bye," she offers, gives him a quick smile before she turns around and walks off.

Dan watches her go, and sighs. "See you around," he says to no one.

* * *

Blair is rifling through Chuck's room when the boys arrive back at the suite. She straightens up and crosses her arms as she watches Nate direct the limo driver, Arthur, who's carrying a pile of books, into the suite. Chuck follows him with another pile of books in his arms, and Nate's arms are full, too.

She stares at them, confused. "What are you doing?"

Nate jumps a little and drops his books; they slide all over the floor and he sighs, stares back at Blair. "What are you doing _here_?"

She turns to face Chuck instead, crosses her arms over her chest and glares at him heatedly. "You kept my lingerie," she accuses.

Chuck stretches out his arms. "Or did you _leave_ your lingerie hear so you'd have an excuse to come back?"

Her eyes narrow. "Believe me, I'm not _looking_ for reasons to see you. Though you do seem to be looking for reasons to see _me_."

"Because I'm not in denial," he replies easily. And even though he leaves it unsaid, they all hear the implication: _unlike you_.

Blair doesn't reply. She turns her narrowed-eyes toward Nate instead and demands once again, "What are you doing?"

Nate's kneeling on the floor, trying to ignore their argument about Blair's _underwear_, and stacking up all his books into a pile again. "Baby books," he tells her, as if it should be obvious.

The heat in her gaze fades considerably as she crouches down next to him, examines a couple of the titles. "You're too sweet," she tells him fondly.

He grins at her. "Yeah?"

She rolls her eyes and stands up straight again, taking a couple of the books with her and setting them down on the table. "S will think so, too."

"I didn't ask," he defends himself, still grinning.

She whacks his arm lightly with one of the books. "Didn't have to."

A little bashfully, he asks, "She didn't come here with you?"

"No…she disappeared off somewhere this morning."

His eyes widen. "By _herself_?"

Blair has to press her lips tight together to keep from laughing. "She's not an invalid, Nate."

He pouts at her a little. "Well, where'd she go?"

"I don't know," she admits. "She was being…secretive." Reluctantly, she turns to look at Chuck.

He glances back at her, not understanding. "What, Waldorf?"

She sighs dramatically. "Do you know where Serena is?"

"Why would I – "

Nate laughs. "You know _everything_."

Chuck echoes Blair's sigh. "If you'd _like_ I could find out for you, but I'm sure it's nowhere particularly exciting." He shrugs. "She'll be back before my PI could track her down."

Nate's phone beeps as soon as Chuck finishes his sentence, and Blair smiles, notes, "That's probably her texting you right now."

But then her phone beeps, and the screen of Chuck's flashes. They all exchange glances and Nate wonders, "Maybe texting us all…?"

Blair sees it first; she gasps very quietly and closes out of her e-mail instantly so that she can text Serena – _empire. right now._

Nate is totally silent and still, his eyes on his phone, so Chuck clears his throat to interrupt the silence and says quietly, more to himself than to Blair or Nate: "She never learns…"

Blair sighs and she means to glare at him, she really does, but she can't quite muster it. She settles for scowling as she tells him, "Let's not make _assumptions_." Her gaze drifts over to Nate, searching out his eyes. "Okay? No assumptions." He doesn't reply so she snaps, "_Nate?_"

He looks up at her with lost blue eyes. "Kinda hard not to assume when there's fucking photographic evidence."

"Nathaniel," Chuck begins, his voice startlingly gentle, but Serena flies in through the door before he can say anything more.

She freezes when they all turn to look at her. "You…saw," she says very softly.

"We saw," Nate confirms, his jaw set in a firm, tense line.

Serena drops her purse to the ground and crosses her arms, hugging herself a bit in the face of three serious stares. "You guys…you know Gossip Girl. You know…how it is." She glances at Blair, and then Chuck, and finally Nate as she adds quietly, "You know it's not what it looks like."

His expression doesn't change and his heart keeps aching. "You're kissing him. You kissed him."

"He kissed _me_," she corrects in the same quiet tone. "I pulled away right after…"

Blair sighs dramatically, trying to break the tension. "Humphrey," she murmurs mutinously, sharing a brief glance with Chuck.

Nate doesn't take his eyes off Serena. "Did you lie to me?"

She gasps, softly. "What, no – "

"When you said nothing happened with Dan," he cuts in. "Were you lying to me?"

Serena presses her lips together for a moment before she says, "I wouldn't cheat on you."

He can feel his heart drop. He closes his eyes for a beat before opening them and asking roughly, "Wouldn't or _didn't_? They're different, Serena."

For a second she says nothing, just looks at his face – his _eyes_, the way he's looking at right now…she can't lie to him (not again). "He kissed me," she repeats in only a whisper.

Nate looks away. "The night you slept in _his bed_, he kissed you," he rephrases flatly. He doesn't need her to confirm it. He knows her, and he knows this. She lied to him.

"Nate," she breathes apologetically. She wishes he'd look at her. "It didn't mean anything, I'd never – "

She stops short, breathing in sharply, when he lifts his chin and looks straight at her again. She would, and he knows it. Because he would, too; because they _did_: together.

"Did you sleep with him?" Nate asks into the silence, ignoring the tightness in his throat when he says those words. "After he kissed you."

"_No._" She says it instantly, and immediately, and with conviction. She didn't – it was just a couple kisses.

Nate's quiet after that, so Blair interjects with careful words. "Of course not," she says quietly.

But Nate can only shrug, still looking straight at Serena. "How do I _know_ that? I asked you flat-out. I told you nothing happened with Jenny and you told me nothing happened with Dan and we believed each other. I _believed_ you."

She takes a tiny step forward. "I was just…I was sad, and lonely, and hurting and it didn't…it didn't _mean_ anything, Nate."

He stares at her incredulously. "Kisses almost mean something," he says in a low, dangerous tone, when what he means is _how can I mean anything to you if kisses are meaningless?_

"I love – I loved you, I wouldn't…I _didn't_, it was just…"

His stare turns into a frown that goes deep into the lines of his face. It wasn't _just_. Nothing is ever _just_, and he and Serena know that better than _anyone_. Of all her boyfriends or hookups or flings or _whatever_, she has to know that he's the only one who would never, ever believe that kind of lie.

"Natie," she says.

Chuck opens his mouth to speak, but after a moment he shuts it again, thinking better of it.

Nate shakes his head. "I can't trust you," he mutters.

"Of course you can – "

"No, you _lied_ to me! I asked you straight-out, Serena, and you lied to my face!"

Helplessly, she begins, "I'm _sorry_, I – "

"Is there more that you're not telling me?" Nate demands, an angry rant building up inside of him and begging to be let out. "I told you…how I feel, I told you I'm _in_, I told you – "

"Nate." She swallows hard, ignores the looks Blair keeps giving her. She wants so much in that moment to say that she's in, too, she wants them both to be in, she just wants to go back.

"And you _lied_. I was honest to you about every single thing and you lied to me like it didn't even matter. What do I believe now? What's…true," he trails off. He doesn't even know if they are true anymore, if any of it was true, and it makes something snap inside of him as he demands, "What now, do I need to ask for a paternity test?"

"Nate!" Blair's reaction is quick and fierce and sharp as glass. She glares at him like the force of her gaze alone with get an apology out of him.

Serena, on the other hand, goes completely silent. She takes a step back as if she's feeling a physical blow, a hand flying up to cover her mouth. She's dizzy and nauseous and she's pretty sure it has nothing to do with morning (or afternoon or evening) sickness.

Nate keeps frowning. He doesn't want to take it back, but at the same time, he does. He can't make up his mind; all he knows is that she lied to him.

Serena takes a shaky breath, looking anywhere but Nate's face. She blinks back tears and has to consciously fight the urge to run away. Trying to concentrate on something else, she notices that on the floor, on the table, everywhere, there are so many books.

Blair takes a couple cautious steps toward her and sees the confusion on Serena's face. Delicately, as though Serena might break, she explains softly, "Baby books."

She can't help it – she looks at Nate, then, and he's looking back at her and he bought all those books and she can't believe he just said that to her and she lied to him and Dan kissed her and Nate said he'd always be in. And right then, she loses the battle against the need to run away, and flees from the room, taking off down the nearest hallway.

Blair reaches for Serena but she's gone too fast; as soon as Serena's gone she rounds on Nate, pokes a finger into his chest. "How _dare_ you."

"How dare _she_!" he cries defensively, frowning down at the finger she's still got poking it.

She gives it another sharp jab before she pulls it back, and she means to say more, but Chuck beats her to it, speaking before she can.

He says, "That question was kind of…tactless, Nathaniel."

"I _know_," Nate snaps at him. He's angry at everyone: Serena for lying, Dan for kissing his girlfriend, Chuck for pointing out the obvious, Blair for being so unconditionally on Serena's side…and himself for saying something so hurtful. "She just…"

"She just?" Blair prompts, still wearing a menacing expression.

Nate shakes his head and pulls away from her. Following his ex-girlfriend's lead, he leaves, and not just from the room but from the suite altogether.

"Nate!" Blair snaps as he goes, but she makes no move to stop him. She knows that he needs time. With a sigh, she leans back against the wall, still processing the fight she just witnessed.

It takes her a full two minutes to remember that Chuck is still in the room. When she does remember, it's only because she notices him staring. "_What_, Bass?" she says wearily. "I'm not in the mood."

Chuck smirks. "What a shame, since you left your Scarlett O'Hara outfit here, too…"

Blair rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest. She tilts her head in the direction Serena rushed off in. "What are we going to do about them?"

Letting the smirk fall from his face, Chuck shrugs. "What do you suggest?"

"We clearly need to…talk to them."

He nods as he approaches her, closing the distance between them easily in several quick steps. "Yes."

"Yes," she repeats, a little uncertainly. She has been making an effort not to get this close to him, and now he's got her trapped against a wall, which is completely unfair. She lifts her chin imperiously and tries to ignore his proximity as she says casually, "Well, there's not really anything to discuss. You take Nate and I'll take Serena, as usual."

Chuck dares to tangle his fingers with hers, but just for a second, before he says, "Or we could do it together."

Her eyes rest on his mouth even as she presses both of her palms to the wall, her hands hidden behind her back. "That's…unnecessary."

"Is it?"

"Yes."

"Let's do that, then." He waits for her to move, and his smirk reappears when he manages to count to ten before she even blinks. She doesn't try to get away. "Let's talk to them," he repeats.

"Okay," Blair says.

He leans at a glacial pace, getting closer to her by a millimeter at a time. She still doesn't move, and his smirk fades as his lips get closer and closer and _closer_ to hers.

Blair comes to her senses at the last moment, taking a sharp breath in and turning her face so that his mouth lands against her cheek.

They are completely still for a minute before she says firmly, "You take S. I'll follow Nate."

Chuck nods as he pulls away, moving at that same slow rate, giving her plenty of time to change her mind. He's not sure if her choice to send him to Serena is reward or punishment, but either way, he's not going to say no to her.

"Yes, ma'am," is all he says before he drifts away, leaving Blair breathless and backed up against the wall.

* * *

Serena expects Blair, so she's surprised when Chuck walks into the room, but she doesn't look up.

He sighs, standing above her. She's in _his_ room, which does make some sense, since she wouldn't want to go into Nate's right now. But _still_: she's in his room, sitting crossed-legged on the floor, and it's apparently his job to console her.

"Sit down or _leave_," she snaps at him after a lengthy silence.

So he slouches down against the side of the bed, takes a seat next to her. He stays quiet and besides him, Serena is perfectly still, her gaze fixed on the floor.

Chuck clears his throat. "You could…refrain from kissing people, you know."

"And _you_ could _refrain_ from being a dick to your girlfriend," she replies without missing a beat. "Which I am still mad at you for, by the way."

He nods to acknowledge that, but this is about her relationship issues, not his. "You're incredibly stupid if you let him get away, Serena." She is silent in response, so he continues, "He loves you. He has for a long time. And you're well aware of that. So if you…if you force him to stop, if you finally break his heart so badly that he has to stop…Well, you're never going to get it back – the way he's always felt about you." He tilts his head, trying to look her in the eye. "I know that would hurt you just as badly as it will hurt him. You need to tread carefully here, sis."

She sniffs and turns her face away from him. "What do you care? It doesn't matter to you if he lo – or how he feels or how I feel, you…you have no respect for our relationship. You tried to break us up."

Chuck grimaces. "I was…" he begins, struggling to find a way to phrase it. "I was not…in a very good place, at the time. Nathaniel was angry at me, and I…I'm sorry."

"I wasn't in a very good place either. You _knew_ I was looking for my dad, you had to know…" She shakes her head. "I can't believe you'd do that to me, to either of us. Nate's supposed to be your best friend."

He sighs – he doesn't really have any excuses to give her, can only repeat, "I'm sorry." And he is.

Serena purses her lips and does not look at him. "I don't forgive you."

"That's fine," he cuts in, even though he wishes she would. "You don't owe me anything, I know that. But Nate…is a different story. You do owe him."

She turns toward him, but only to glare. "Dan kissed me."

Chuck shrugs. "Fine."

"You don't believe me," she accuses. "And it's obvious that Nate doesn't either."

"It would be easier for him to believe you if you didn't keep secrets from him," he tells her, trying his best to sound neutral.

"I _told_ him why I sometimes…sometimes withhold things, it's just that I…I don't want to mess us up." Her voice gets smaller with each word.

Chuck smirks a bit, elbows her lightly as he says dryly, "And look at how wonderfully that worked out for you."

Serena elbows him back, not nearly as gently. "Shut _up_."

He rubs at his ribs, wincing. "No need to get violent."

The intensity of her scowl eases up and she lifts her chin daringly as she says, "I thought you liked it rough."

And those words startle him into smiling at her. "If you're _offering_…"

She elbows him again – in the exact same spot. "You're disgusting."

"And you are abusive," he returns, wincing once more. "You need to stop trying to maim me, and you need to make a decision."

Like a confession, she blurts, "I told Dan."

"You told Humphrey…what, exactly?"

Serena rolls her eyes. "About the baby." Now that he knows, he's not really an option.

As though he's reading her mind, he informs her, "That's not the same as making a choice."

"Well I'm not going to _choose_ Nate. We're broken up."

"Serena. Nate knows who he loves. He _knows_. So you need to figure out who you love; you keep him or you let him go."

She breaks eye contact with him. "He won't want me after this, after today, after – "

"You're not listening to me." He lowers his voice a bit. "Nate _knows_ who he loves."

Serena squeezes her eyes shut. _Don't cry_, she tells herself, over and over again: _don't cry, don't cry, don't cry._

"S?"

She takes a shaky breath, manages to choke out, "He bought all those books…"

Chuck nods, tells her sympathetically and without a trace of sarcasm, "I know." He does; he knows.

After a moment, she sniffs and hugs her knees to her chest. He watches her, and then very carefully lifts an arm and drapes it around her shoulders.

She leans into him the slightest bit and he tells her, "Courage, ma souer."

**tbc.**


	7. six

A/N: My apologies for the horribly long wait for this chapter! Real life and a lack of inspiration got in the way of this story's progress for a while. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. :)

* * *

**.six.**

**

* * *

**

"Nate!" Blair's heels clack against the ground outside the Empire; she runs after him, through the gate and out onto the sidewalk. "Nate." When she says his name again, it's gentler. "My shoes were not made for this, but I _will_ keep chasing you."

He slows down and turns abruptly toward her, settles startled blue eyes on her face. "Go ahead," he says, "Yell at me."

She closes the gap between them. "I don't think," she says slowly, "that you need to be yelled at."

"I…" He waves a hand toward the hotel. "I was a jerk."

"You were," she agrees, and she gives that a moment to sink in before she adds, "You were also hurt."

He sits heavily on the short stone wall that borders a nearby courtyard. "Yeah," he agrees on an exhale, chancing a cautious glance in her direction.

It breaks her heart. "I'm not here to be on Serena's side."

He rolls his eyes, a little bit of tension seeping out of his shoulders and his neck. "But you _are_ on her side."

Her lips quirk upward, just barely, and she takes a seat next to him. "Talk to me."

"I'm just…" He slouches forward, elbows on his knees.

She tries to be patient but she can't help prodding, "You're just…?"

Nate doesn't look at her. "I'm never _good_ enough."

She sighs, laying a gentle hand on his back. "Nate…"

"It's like…it was like she'd date _anybody_ but me, you know? And it's not just Dan, I _like_ Dan most of the time, it's just…it's anyone. It's guys from boarding school or Europe or guys trying to scam her or…or _Georgina's_ friends and then it's Dan again. It's always Dan again, but never…never me, I'm never _enough_ for her." His breathing hitches a little at the end of that rant.

Blair blinks rapidly, tells him softly, "That's not about you. _None _of that is about you."

"You don't know that."

"I _do_, actually," she snaps. "Serena's my best friend. It's not that you're lacking anything; you're _enough_, you're too much. She loves you and it _scares_ her, and I've always known that but it never really made sense to me until – "

Nate waits a moment and then fills her silence gently, "Until Chuck."

Blair gives a pedestrian, a preteen girl who looks at them for too long with too-wide eyes, a dirty look. "Yes," she agrees softly.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly, matching her tone. "I'm so sorry, for all the times I loved her when I should have loved you."

She gives him a tiny smile, _thank you_, and promises him, "You love her the right way. I know that she doesn't always show you that, and I know that kissing Dan isn't exactly convincing evidence, but…it's true. That's the part that scares her."

He presses the heels of his hands against his eyes; he has a headache. "I really want to believe you, Blair."

"So believe me," she says easily. "We all make mistakes. You and I made our fair share."

"Yeah…" He lifts his head. "I guess that's true."

She crosses her legs primly at the ankle. "Is that all you have to say for yourself?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he gives her a sheepish look. "It's my baby."

"Oh." She arches a single eyebrow. "You know that, do you?"

"Yes," he huffs, "obviously."

"Didn't sound so obvious earlier, Nate."

He pouts a little. "She's having my baby and I'm still not good enough."

"She's having your baby," Blair agrees, "and you're a little bit of an idiot."

He shoots her a wounded look and she smiles.

"Do you want a hug?" she offers, slightly teasing, and then he wraps his arms around her more tightly than she'd expected, presses his face into her neck.

"Yes," he says, his voice muffled against her skin.

She hugs him back, closes her eyes. "She loves you," she tells him gently.

He tickles her ribs and it's a surprise; she shrieks a little, pulls back and bats at him hands.

"_Nate!"_

He smiles at her, soft and regaining happiness. "He loves you, too."

* * *

Chuck is sitting on the couch when they go back upstairs, flipping through a newspaper.

Blair strolls over to him, crosses her arms and gives him a _look_. "Ahem," she says, not even bothering to actually clear her throat.

"Yes?" He doesn't look up.

She snatches the paper out of his hands and hits him over the head with it. "I gave you an _assignment_, Chuck."

He reaches for the paper, frowning at the wrinkles her action created. "And I completed it."

Nate clears his throat.

Chuck glances over at him, smiling a little. "She's in your room."

He shakes his head, moves away from the door and into his bedroom.

* * *

Serena's sitting on his bed, on top of the sheets, wrapped up in a single blanket. When Nate walks in she stares at him, eyes unreadable.

It's his move to make, so he makes it: "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That was…totally out of line, what I said, and I don't believe it. I don't." She's still quiet, so he moves toward her, perches at the foot of the bed. "Say something, S."

She shrugs, looking down and peeking up at him through her eyelashes. "Okay. You didn't mean it."

"I really didn't."

"I didn't…" She presses her lips together. "I didn't mean for anything to happen with Dan."

A smile tugs at his lips, "Oh, is that the game we're playing?"

"It's not a game, Nate." She slides a palm unconsciously against her stomach, her other hand tangled up in her blanket, clenched into a fist.

"I know." He reaches out, cups her cheek in his hand. "I promise, I know." He takes a chance and leans in, pressing a gentle kiss to her mouth. "You're having my baby. I know that, too."

She leans into his touch. "You don't have to be…jealous. I would never want you to think… I know we're not exactly together, but…I'm not together with anybody else." She smiles a little. "Except, you know. Baby."

"_Our_ baby," he corrects her. He kisses her lightly again. "I never meant that, I just…I got upset. Do you forgive me?"

She sighs softly. "Do you forgive _me_?"

"I love you," he tells her instead; it means the same thing. He leans in to kiss her again but she presses her hand against his chest – no more kissing.

"We're not together," she murmurs, tears and amusement tangled together in her eyes.

"But I love you." He moves closer to her on the bed, sits right by her. "And I just want you to know that."

His face is so serious, so full of what he's saying – love – that for a moment she can only look at him instead of breathing. "Thank you," she finally manages to say, lets those words linger briefly before she adds, "for all the books."

Nate grins at her suddenly. "You're welcome."

* * *

He tries to nap while Serena does, but he can't sleep – she's too much of a distraction, wrapped up in his sheets, blonde hair falling into her face, smelling like the girl he loves.

He watches the way her eyelashes flutter against her cheek, the way her chest rises and falls with every breath she takes. Carefully, he lifts his blankets and gets into the bed as well. She's been sleeping a lot lately, he thinks – and he doesn't know if that's something to be concerned about.

Even more carefully, he inches the comforter and the sheets down her body until they hit her waist. The shirt she's wearing is a little wrinkled, but he tries not to make it worse when he pushes the hem of it upward a few inches. She shifts a little, her head moving against the pillow, and when she settles again he leans over to presses his lips firmly to her skin, just to the side of her belly button.

When she feels his mouth on her stomach she smiles faintly and lifts one hand lazily, threads her fingers very carefully into his hair. He loves her, she knows that – especially in this moment.

He peers up at her, his chin perched on her stomach, barely apologetic.

"You gonna stop staring at me so I can sleep now?" she asks a little hoarsely.

Nate places a kiss on the other side of her belly button. "You said you were napping."

"I'm trying," she murmurs. "You should try, too."

"Okay." One more kiss – this one just beneath her belly button and she feels a _jolt_ of something she won't name fly through her body, and then he lays his head very gently against her stomach. "I will if you will."

So she closes her eyes and she sleeps.

* * *

"I'm going to go," Blair announces. "Serena's fine, Nate's fine – they're fine."

Chuck reads the same article in his newspaper for the thirtieth time, just to keep himself from looking at her. "I'm not fine."

"You're not my concern." She paces into the kitchen and pours herself a glass of water.

He flips the page as casually and as slowly as he can. "You're still here."

"I'm in the _process_ of leaving, Chuck. I can't exactly teleport myself out of here." She waves a hand in the air dismissively.

He smirks. "Alright."

She moves toward him until she's standing right next to him, hovering in a way he can't ignore. "Just _say_ it," she sighs. She's so tired of this.

"Say what?"

"Whatever it is you obviously want to say before I go."

He turns another page. "I don't want you to go."

"Irritating me is not going to keep me here, Bass."

"Working so far, my dear." He smirks up at her.

Carefully, keeping an acceptable distance between them, Blair sits on the couch as well. "Chuck," she says, quieter this time, "Just _say_ it, _please_."

It's close to a plea and they both know how much she doesn't want to have to beg – and he owes her that much; they both know that, too.

He sets the newspaper aside and forces himself to meet her eyes. "I'm sorry."

She blinks. "Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry. For everything that happened – with the Empire, with Jack. I'm…so sorry." She's silent, so he picks up his train of thought again, "I owe you an apology for that, and I assumed Nate and Serena were having their own talk of this nature so it seemed like the right time for us to do the same. It would be a bonus if we ended up in my bedroom, of course."

Blair stares at him for a moment, slowly absorbing his words, and then she gets to her feet and straightens out her skirt. "Thank you," she says softly, "for apologizing."

He nods, watching her move toward the door.

She doesn't say another word to him until she's about to leave, her hand on the doorknob. "This doesn't fix what you did, but…"

"But?" he prompts, smiling a little.

She shakes her head at him. "But it's a step," she says, and then she leaves.

* * *

"I'm not an invalid," Serena whines when Chuck orders soup and Nate brings it to her, in his bed, on a tray. "I'm just _lazy_."

Nate smiles at the exaggerated pout on her lips and presses a kiss to the side of her head. "Keep being lazy in my bed, then. I like you here."

"Stop acting like my boyfriend."

He holds up in hands in surrender, laughs lightly and changes the subject, tempts her, "Chuck ordered your favourite…"

"The two of you _don't_ get to treat me like I'm sick for the next nine months." Reluctantly, she picks up the spoon.

"I know," Nate agrees soothingly.

She glares. "You don't get to _patronize_ me, either."

"I'm not, Serena." He hides a smile. "I promise."

"Is this…is this you punishing me for kissing Dan?"

His jaw drops. "This is me taking _care_ of you. Which is something you should get used to, as long as you're not going to go kiss Dan again."

She holds his gaze for an extra beat. "I'm not."

Nate nods, satisfied, and lounges across the foot of the bed. "Good. Get used to it, then."

Serena narrows her eyes at him playfully. "Nine months suddenly seems like a very long time."

He watches her eat a spoonful. "It's not, though," he tells her thoughtfully. "Every year goes by so fast, and nine months isn't even a whole year."

"Yeah, I guess so."

He lets her take a few more bites before he says, "We really need to tell our parents, S."

She won't look at him; she can't. "Not…yet. Just not yet."

He reaches for her foot and rubs lightly at her ankle. "However Lily's going to react, it will be the same no matter how long you wait."

With a sigh, she sets her spoon down. "Give me just a little longer, okay? _Please._ Let her think I'm getting my life together for just a couple more weeks."

"Your life is together," he promises her. "This isn't going to make it any less together."

"A little longer, Nate," she tells him firmly. This is not up for discussion. She won't let it be.

He sighs, searches her eyes with his for a moment before he relents. "Okay. A little longer."

She smiles brightly. "Thank you."

* * *

Thanks to her nap, Serena is wide awake past midnight, but she and Nate go to bed early anyway, around nine-thirty, and they take all the books he bought with them, piled around them on top of the comforter. They read to each other, pointing out pictures and diagrams and –

"Wow, our baby is so small right now," Nate says, truly wowed, holding his book out to her so she can look at the picture. "That's crazy, right?"

"Yeah," she agrees softly.

"I mean, _we_ were once that small, and now we're…us. It's crazy."

"Crazy," she echoes, holding her breath.

"Serena?" he asks, slipping an arm around her.

She pulls away from his inviting touch, just a bit. "It's _crazy_." Her mouth is dry.

Nate nods. "Yeah…" He waits for her to fill him in.

She stares at him. "We…we made a person."

He grins at her, tugs him toward her again, and this time she doesn't resist. "We made a person," he echoes. "You okay with that?" he teases, cuddling her closer.

Serena rests her head against his shoulder, lets the book fall onto her lap. "It's just crazy," she murmurs.

* * *

**tbc.**


End file.
